


Liar, Liar, Liar.

by victoriousdragon



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27809953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victoriousdragon/pseuds/victoriousdragon
Summary: A "what if" continuation of Subaru's "Behold an Unthinkable Present" Trials, focusing on how Emilia would react to seeing his corpse each time, starting with his very first deathEmilia POV/exploring the Stages of Grief/my attempt at writing angst. Chapters will be in chronological order from Subaru's first death that Emilia witnesses (some deaths will be skipped if Emilia wasn't there to discover his corpse)
Relationships: Emilia/Natsuki Subaru
Comments: 85
Kudos: 277





	1. Prologue (Arc 1, Death 1)

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1: Prologue: Loot House (Arc 1, Death 1)
> 
> Chapter 2: Died in His Sleep (Arc 2, Death 1)
> 
> Chapter 3: His Corpse Dyed the Hallway Red (Arc 2, Death 2)
> 
> Chapter 4: At the Bottom of the Cliff (Arc 2, Death 4)
> 
> Chapter 5: "Take This and Wipe His Face" (Arc 3, Death 4)
> 
> Chapter 6: "Liar, Liar, Liar" (Arc 3, Death 5)
> 
> Chapter 7/Final Chapter: Kiss of Death (Arc 4, Death 5)
> 
> *I have decided to end this fic after Arc 4 because the official English light novels for Arc 5 haven't been published yet, and I've been basing this fic off of the light novel. Plus, there's only so much you can do with this concept lol.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

The last thing the strange boy had told me to do was to wait outside the loot house cellar. To not come in until he called for me. 

In that final request, he had called me Satella. I had almost completely forgotten at that point that I did that to myself. In another push to distance myself from him, I did what I usually did, what I was used to doing: scaring people away. I had no friends, after all. It was for the best that I keep it that way. 

He really did seem ignorant, though. The boy had never heard of Lugunica before, he didn't have any money, he couldn't read, he was more lost getting around the city than I was...

Subaru was his name. He had black hair, brown eyes, and strange clothes. He was kind of devious and made jokes I didn't understand. I had only just met him today. He was already getting along reaaaally well with Puck. 

I only knew him for a few hours. I had soooo many questions to ask him. Why this stranger was trying to help me get back my insignia, I didn't understand. Surely, he had to have some kind of ulterior motive, but Puck claimed he didn't. I chose to trust him.

Subaru convinced me to wait outside for him. It was already dark outside, so I handed him some lagmite. He went in.

Not even a minute passed. I heard a loud thump from outside the building, as if a body was just flung against a wall. The dim afterglow of the lagmite was no longer visible from beneath the door cracks. I panicked, immediately entering the cellar. Even though he told me not to. Even though he told me not to...

"-baru?" 

It happened so fast. Shock. My brain didn't catch up with my body in time. Puck had long retired to his crystal. There was no time to react at all.

A short scream escaped my throat somehow. I didn't recognize it as my own. Heat. It's hot. Stomach. Blood. Weak.

I fell over, straight to the creaky, wooden floor, right next to Subaru's powerless body. Blood. His blood or mine? Both?

I couldn't see anymore. Vision hazy. Cold. Cold. 

His bloody fingers, wet and slippery, gripped onto my left hand, turning white, white, white...

"Just you wait..."

I couldn't hear him anymore, but I thought it might be comforting to slightly grasp his hand back. So I think I was able to do that.

"I'm going to...-"

-


	2. Died in His Sleep (Arc 2, Death 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru dies in his sleep (LN volume 2, chapter 2 "The Promised Morn Grows Distant")

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

At the dining table during breakfast, Subaru had sat himself right beside me as if it was the most obvious thing for him to do. By rights, he should have been seated farther away from me, not only because of our different ranks (which I hadn't told him about yet), but by the fact that the dining table was elaborately spacious and large. I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but his light, jovial attitude about everything had put my mind at ease. He went straight to offering that I could give him the veggies on my plate that I didn't like, since we were sitting soooooo close. I was tempted to give him my green beppers, distracted from my initial discussion with him about table manners. The boy was a teaser, for sure. I pouted my lips, and he chuckled to himself. _What was he thinking?_

I quietly observed as Subaru conversed with Roswaal and the maids. It seemed the boy really didn't know about Lugunica or its current state, or what titles any of us in the mansion had. Subaru even claimed he was an "undocumented immigrant" of sorts when asked how he made it past royal customs. Was everything he said a joke? I tilted my head in confusion, wishing Puck were here to advise me. He was playing with Beatrice at the table not paying attention, though. Geez.

I really hadn't meant to keep it from him that I was a royal candidate. When I told Subaru my title, he looked shocked. I truly felt bad about not telling him sooner. But then he replied with

"Hey, I'm not upset. You truly are as kind as an angel, Emilia-tan."

"Eh?!"

I felt my face heat up immediately. First, calling me an _angel_ (not witch?) and then...where did the -tan honorific come from, and what did it mean? Was it similar to -chan? Was he being overly friendly? Or just more mindless teasing? His words affected me, yet again, in a way I wasn't used to. So I tried to play it off, calmed myself down, and sighed.

"Now I think I understand how I got involved with you. You'll brush off anything from anyone."

Once we finished discussing the importance of the stolen insignia being returned, it came time to bring up how Subaru could be rewarded. He had been a huuuuge help in getting the badge back. It seemed he was just beginning to realize how important his actions were. I seriously wanted to repay him, and I knew merely saving his life and bringing him into the manor wasn't enough. That's how much it meant to me. That insignia constantly beckoned me to remember my selfish reasons for accepting the candidacy in the first place. Every time I touched it or nervously fidgeted with it in my fingers, I remembered the ice people. I had to do this, I had to follow though, I had to continue to study and rely on Roswaal's support.

"...What are you doing?"

"Er, my hand just kind of reached out."

Subaru's fingers had suddenly combed through my hair. I stared at him in shock. He had such a gentle look on his face as his finger tips brushed through the strands at the ends. I teased him for having some kind of hair fetish, since he had asked to stroke Puck's fur as a reward earlier as well. 

"Hey, wait, fur and hair aren't the same thing at all! Your silver hair's really pretty!"

_Pretty? Silver hair was pretty to him?_

Screams and terrified shouts immediately filled my mind. Voices from the past, voices from the not-so-distant present. _Witch. Half-devil. Silver haired monster. Go back to the forest. Shouldn't have been born_. 

Did Subaru truly not know about the Witch? Did he not know? How could he not know? Everyone knew. I've been given those petrified looks for as long as I could remember. Yet, the expression on Subaru's face showed no fear at all. I had lowered my eyes, hoping he wouldn't see the pain. 

Roswaal had thankfully carried the conversation back to where it needed to go: Subaru's well-earned reward. There was a sort of evil look in Subaru's eyes as he promptly stood up from his seat and pressed his hands into the dining table. He had been building up the tension between them, and now the two were having a stare down in earnest. _What could Subaru possibly ask for?_ I was thinking something along the lines of access to Roswaal's wealth, magic, knowledge, or political power. Yet...

"I want one thing and one thing only. I want you to hire me."

_Eh? Isn't that kind of..._

I counted in my head the list of things that Subaru had done for me. He saved my life. He found the person who stole my insignia. He almost died, risking his life to protect me from a final surprise attack by that Elsa lady. He barely knew me, but he had done so much. I mean, his stomach was in such a terrible state when he collapsed. I even had to get Beatrice to heal the deeper parts that my skills couldn't reach. Yet, all he had asked from me so far was for my name, and to be allowed to pet Puck. Seriously, what was Subaru thinking? I found myself feeling anger. _Was this a joke to him?_ I got out of my chair and closed the distance between us, pressing my palm to his chest.

"You don't...understand how grateful I feel. I can't...repay you at all for saving my life and more, if you ask for so little!"

I felt his heart beat quicken underneath my palm. I lowered my head, again thinking over everything that I owed him. I had to make him understand that this wasn't a joke. When I raised my head to return his gaze, I gave him a pleading expression. He seemed to finally understand that I was being serious about this, and that so should he.

He replied by saying that I didn't understand, that asking for my name was what he truly wanted from the bottom of his heart at the time. _But still. Why?_ Well, I'm an idiot. There are sooooo many things I just don't understand. Roswaal asked one last time if he was sure about his reward, and Subaru seemed adamant about being hired as a servant. He wanted to learn some skills so that he could eventually make a living on his own, which was admirable. Though I was sure he would have been just fine as a permanent house guest. Roswaal wouldn't let him back out of his original request, though. 

Subaru's final point was that part of his reward was going to be "living under the same roof as a super cute, beautiful girl who's totally my type, what guy wouldn't want that?" Well, he certainly was going to spending a looooot of time with Rem and Ram from now on, after all. They were the first two people to greet him when he awoke, after Beatrice. Maybe it was a 'love at first sight' thing? I wondered which of the maids was more of his type, Rem or Ram? 

After that rather long discussion, breakfast ended and we each went about our own ways.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Four days had passed since Subaru was hired as a servant. I hadn't seen him around that much, other than during mealtimes or when he would greet me in the gardens for my daily ritual. Every morning and at the end of every night, I would talk with the lesser spirits. Subaru seemed to always make sure he could step away from his duties to see me at those times. At first, I wouldn't even know he was there, staring at me until I was done talking with them. I didn't know what to think of it. Subaru had also made it a habit at this point to sit close to me, just like during our first breakfast. 

Somehow, his closeness didn't bother me anymore. Or maybe it still did, but I was simply giving up on trying to forbid it? I mean, I did try to push him away. It was second-nature of me to keep my distance from people. I was just accustomed to that sort of lifestyle. Puck continued to reassure me that he didn't sense any bad intentions from Subaru. Even in our short interactions, Puck and Subaru were getting along sooo well. They made me laugh on multiple occasions.

It was a beautiful night. The moon was bright, always out of reach along with the countless stars in the sky. The lesser spirits that I could only talk to at night were especially talkative tonight. The orbs of light would bob up and down, seeming relaxed and happy. Subaru was sitting next to me on the grass, staring at me. 

"Its no fun to watch, is it?"

"Nah, I could never be bored being with you, Emilia-tan."

"Wh--"

I could feel my cheeks heating up. Actually, Subaru's face and ears were flushed, too. Wow, I'm an idiot. 

It was nice to catch up with him and learn about what he had been doing all this time. It seemed he didn't have any natural skill or talent with any of the domestic fields at all, but he was surprisingly good at sewing? Rem and Ram had been praising his efforts, at least. Effort wasn't always going to cut it, though...

He was hiding his hands for some reason. When I finally caught a glimpse of them, it really occurred to me that everyone around me was working so hard. There were so many little cuts and bandages covering his fingers and palms. I offered to heal them, but he refused, saying he wanted to keep them as a sign of how hard he worked. 

Some more teasing ensued as we sat and chatted in the garden. I finally came around to asking him how he actually got his hands so beaten up. Some of the scars he claimed truly were from hard work, though admittedly most of the more visible marks were from a "little dog-ish thing" that chomped on him in Arlam Village. Rem had taken him shopping earlier to buy some cooking supplies and ingredients. 

Subaru invited me to go to the village with him the next day. He kept correcting the phrasing of it, but he seemed settled on calling it a "date" and wanted to show me the village children and the puppy. I agreed, genuinely curious about what he wanted to show me, but....

"But it might be troublesome for you to have me with you like..."

Surely, the people and children of the village were going to be cursing me once they saw me. There was a reason I tried to avoid going into the village...

"Got it, let's go!"

"...Are you really listening?"

"I'm listening! I could never let a single word or phrase from Emilia-tan escape!"

Oh, Subaru...Sometimes, I just hated him. How he was constantly pushing me out of my comfort zone, closing our distance, genuinely acting like he had no idea about how the general population viewed me because of my physical traits...How his eyes showed no fear when he looked into mine. What a child he was. Geez.

With the "date" arranged, we went our separate ways again, preparing to go to bed. Subaru looked freshly-bathed at the beginning of our little garden chat, but I still needed to take mine. I took my bath as quickly as I could, dried my hair, and crawled into bed without any issues. Falling asleep was easy for me, waking up was not. I clutched Puck's crystal in my right palm, wishing him a good night, though knowing he had long retired for the evening. All I had to do was close my eyes and find comfort in the warmth of the crystal in my hand. Everything was going to be alright.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

The next morning, Puck was nudging me awake in concern. As usual, it was hard for me to wake up right away. Puck knew this, so he was good about waking me up ahead of time if he knew I had some kind of important meeting early in the morning. 

Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, I tried to fight through the haziness in my brain. I was trying to think though today's schedule. Today, today...was there something important I needed to do this morning? Memories from last night were resurfacing. I remembered I had a "date" with Subaru tonight. I remembered Rem told me she was going to make my favorite kind of soup for lunch today. I remembered I needed to put more hours into studying. _Was that...all?_

I wasn't scheduled to have an early morning meeting with Roswaal or a special guest, right? 

"Lia, good morning. I'm sorry to wake you so early, but its...its about Subaru."

Puck had a sad look on his face. Remorse? Worry? Regret? I couldn't quite read all the emotions on his face. All I knew was that those expressions shouldn't be there. The haziness finally floated away, allowing me to get up from my bed. I washed up and got dressed as promptly as I could, leaving my room to follow Puck's tail as he floated ahead of me, leading the way. We made our way to the east wing of the mansion, where the servants' quarters were. Now that I thought about it, I hadn't been to Subaru's new room yet. That seemed to be where Puck was leading me.

We stepped into a room close to the stairway. I remembered thinking it was just like Subaru to choose the room right by the stairs. It was convenient, for sure. So this was Subaru's room. Just a small bed, a writing desk off in the corner that had a bound notepad filled with his practiced i-glyphs. Ram had been teaching him how to read. His servant uniform was folded neatly over his desk's writing chair. 

Subaru was laying in his bed, perfectly still. He looked like he was merely asleep, but as I stepped closer to his bedside, I realized he looked...off.

His eyes were sunken in, deep within their sockets. His skin had a gray color to it. His lips were chapped, his jaw was tightly closed. His bed wasn't warm. His room wasn't warm. It was quiet in here. No sounds of breathing. Not breathing. Not breathing. Not breathing. Not breathing.

No life. There is no sign of life from this human body. 

"Su...ba...ru?"

Nothing. 

"Lia, he's gone. It's too late to save him."

Puck was talking to me. I pretended I didn't hear him. Right away, I reached my hands to Subaru's body, patting his chest, patting his arms, feeling for some wound that I could heal. _Right, his hands!_ His hands had all those scratches. I could heal those! I went to work at his hands, chanting to call out water's properties. Though I felt kind of bad, since he told me he wanted to keep those scars on his hands for a reason, but...

"Emilia-sama!"

Rem, Ram, and Roswaal had entered the room. I ignored them, too. There were still cuts that needed to be closed. I wasn't going to stop until there were no more open wounds and the pink could return to Subaru's face.

"Emilia-sama, stop! Its a waste of your mana. He's dead."

That sounded like Ram.

Couldn't they see that he was just sleeping? He just overslept, right? He was just a little slow to wake up, like me...

"Emilia-sama, I said stop! Its no use!"

Rem had grasped my arm and was trying to pull me away. I was struggling to keep my grip on Subaru's hands. Rem was starting to use her oni strength on me. Why was she being so forceful?

"It appeeeeaaars the cause of his death was from a curse. Wouldn't you saaaaay so, Great Spirit?"

Roswaal merely watched with his arms crossed. He sounded so calm, like his normal, eccentric self. 

"Agreed. Either a shaman or a mabeast cursed him. Its hard to tell. Go get Beatrice. I'll take care of my Lia."

Take care of me? Nothing was wrong with me! I was just healing Subaru, that's all. I was just about done closing up all his cuts. 

Eh...His face still wasn't pink. It was still gray. _Why?_ Maybe I missed a spot somewhere. I started to pull back the blanket that was covering him. I needed to investigate his body further.

"Lia...Look at me."

"Eh?"

Puck had floated over to the bed. He had perched himself atop Subaru's unmoving chest, staring up at me. I couldn't help it. I locked eyes with my contracted spirit. _Puck, you're being rather forceful, too?_

My brain went fuzzy again, my vision darkened, I recognized this feeling. He was putting me to sleep. Puck had done this to me before.

"Puck...why...wait....Subaru is..."

That was all I could say before my consciousness left me. 

_Denial._

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※


	3. His Corpse Dyed the Hallway Red (Arc 2, Death 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru succumbs to the mabeast curse, acts too suspicious, and gets murdered. (LN volume 2, chapter 3 "The Sound of the Chain")

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Subaru, the strange, mischievous boy whom I met just yesterday, had been taken in as a guest at the Roswaal mansion. He was a big help to me for helping me find the thief of my insignia in the Capital, and he even got himself gravely injured in the process of retrieving it. I really owed him, so requesting to Ram that we take him in for treatment was a must. I had to listen to Ram chew me out for the entire trip back to the mansion. She had told me to stick close to her, to not go exploring the Capital on my own, and then I did just that. Of course she was angry with me. She had a right to be. I had gotten myself utterly lost, and then allowed for something so precious to be stolen from me. Then, to top it all off, we had almost gotten ourselves killed and relied on the Sword Saint to chase off the crazed Bowel Hunter. Wow, I was a hopeless idiot.

The black-haired child had slept the entire ride to the mansion and through the night. I felt bad for him. Surely, that large cut across his stomach had to be reeeaally painful. Even Beatrice grimaced at the sight of his injuries when we brought him in. She went to work right away without a word to me. She seemed to dislike speaking with anyone who wasn't Puck. I was used to being ignored though, so it didn't bother me. She allowed me to watch her process from behind, which had me in awe. Beatrice truly was a Great Spirit. Her small hands were able to cleanly patch up the deeper internal wounds that my skills couldn't. I had to thank her right away, but she excused herself to go back to her library as soon as she was done. I would need to have a talk with Puck when he woke up about having a play day with Beatrice. That seemed fair, right? Puck wouldn't mind. 

It was already late at night, and there wasn't anything I could do besides wait for the boy to wake up. So, with a yawn, I retired back to my bedroom for some rest of my own. I had a packed schedule for tomorrow, so I had to be up early. I would have liked to be the first person to welcome him when he woke up, but I just had too many things to do. Knowing this, I asked Ram and Rem if they would kindly check on him in the morning and greet him in my stead. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Ram and Rem were both very cute. 

When I awoke the next day, I had received word that Subaru had gotten up in the middle of the night and managed to break his way into Beatrice's room. Wow, what was his trick? In addition to that piece of news, he had also apparently angered Beatrice and she played a nasty trick on him. Ram and Rem even had to carry his collapsed body back to his guest room. It puzzled my mind to think of what Beatrice could have possibly done to him. Surely, it wasn't a....a mana drain? A spirit draining a human's mana against their will was viewed as incredibly rude and distasteful. Mana drains could take days to get over. It wasn't that, right?

A little later that morning, the maids had found me and reported that Subaru was awake again, but that he had immediately ran away from them. Subaru ran away from Ram and Rem? Why would he do that? The two sisters weren't scary at all. What could have set him off? I should have been the one to greet him first, then. Maybe he freaked out because he didn't know them? Now that I thought about it, waking up somewhere he didn't know was probably pretty scary for him. Maybe I should have been more considerate to how he might be feeling. It was too late now. Geez, did the boy have to go and cause worry for everyone? What had I gotten myself into?

It had been a few hours, and Subaru was still reported as missing. The maids had to give up their search so that they could focus on their daily chores. I was able to break away from studying for a bit, so I hurried out to the front gardens to search for him. It was about to be breakfast time. I needed to find him. He was probably starving, I could imagine.

It was then that I saw him in the corner of my eyes. Subaru, wearing his guest robe and bare-footed in the grass, waved at me from across the gardens. He appeared to have just come out from the main entry door. He had a pleased, carefree smile on his face as he watched me run up to him. Gosh, how could he appear light-hearted like that? Didn't he know he was missing and that he was causing a big fuss?

I made sure to lecture him. Of course, more than anything, I was just relieved to find him and see that he was visibly okay. But now was the time to be stern with this child and let him know what he did wrong. He did look sorry, and said he was with Beatrice. It seemed like he was telling the truth, since it would make sense for his disappearance to be linked with her Door Crossing. Even so, knowing he was with Beatrice again...Had she been nice to Subaru this time? 

In the middle of my worrying, Subaru had reached out his hand, looking like he wanted to grab my arm, but then placed it back at his side. He was staring at me, his expression unreadable, but it really looked like he wanted to tell me something.

"What is it? Is there something on my face?"

"Yeah, there are cute eyes, nose, ears and mouth all over your face...Er, I'm glad that you're all right."

Geez, that Subaru. His jokes were incessant. I scowled at him, and then nodded.

"Yes, I'm quite all right, because you protected me. How about your condition, Subaru?"

"Ah, all good, all good. Thanks to blood loss, mana drain, and the shock from when I woke up, I'm a bit weak and my mind feels like its been beaten with a bat, but I'm feeling good!"

"I see, that's won--Eh? That sounds like you've been taking a beating all over..."

"I'm fine. See?"

Subaru spread out his arms and twirled around in the grass a few times. But now that the mana drain from Beatrice was confirmed, the worry picked back up in my thoughts again. Blood loss, mana drain, shock...A lot has happened to this boy in such a short time. I couldn't help but think maybe meeting me was involved in his misfortune. He would probably be better off without me. I was still convinced to keep my distance from him. Its not like he was going to stay. Probably just another passerby who would leave the mansion within a few days once he received his reward...

He stayed with me for a bit longer, promising he wouldn't get in the way of my morning ritual chat time with the lesser spirits. At the very least, it seemed he was a good boy and kept that promise. He watched as I called out to the orbs of light, looking rather pleased with himself. Surely, this couldn't have been fun for him to watch? But the expression on his face looked rather happy. Well, who knows? I inwardly shrugged my shoulders. We headed off to breakfast after that, where I was curious to see how Subaru was going to be introduced to Roswaal.

The rest of the morning went rather well, though there were some twists and turns I wasn't expecting. There was a loooooot to discuss at the breakfast table. Subaru questioned the maids, the current state of the Kingdom, the candidacy, the hierarchy...It must have been overwhelming to take in all that information at once, but somehow he didn't look as overwhelmed as I thought he would. He seemed to be taking everything in stride, nodding and showing respect in his own way. The thing that bothered me the most was his request to be hired as an apprentice servant to the maids, though. Wasn't that asking too little as a reward? Asking for permission to pet Puck's fur whenever he wanted didn't really count...

Also, if he was truly going to be an apprentice servant working under Ram and Rem's care...Would he be ok? He ran away from the maids earlier this morning, after all. Would they get along together? 

Right after breakfast, the maids showed Subaru around and were already pushing chores onto him. Well, I was probably worrying for nothing. I didn't see Subaru much at all for the following few days, except at meal time. They sure kept him busy. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Four days had passed.

It was a beautiful night. The moon and stars were shining brightly, their reflections twinkling against the clear windows. It was time to pay my first visit to Subaru's new room since moving to the maids' quarters at the other end of the mansion. It was as expected: much smaller than the big guest rooms and with less furniture. All he had in there was his bed, a writing desk, and his folded uniform hanging off his chair. 

I had just taken a bath and was dressed in my nightgown. Puck had already brushed my hair for me and retired for the night in his crystal. I wanted to go to bed too, but the maids had stopped me earlier to ask that I supervise Subaru's studying tonight. It felt kind of intruding to be in his room so late, so I felt myself blushing when I announced myself to him. He motioned for me to sit on his bed behind him while he worked diligently on his studying. Wow. There were so many pages filled with his scribblings of the I-script. There were some other scribblings on the pages too, but I didn't recognize them. They just looked like doodles to me. 

He lifted up from his desk a familiar hard-bound picture book. I easily understood that he was working on reading the book, since it was mostly written in I-script. He handed it to me, so I perused the pages. It brought back memories. The story of the great dragon, the story of the first king, the story of-

"Hmm, the goal is a picture book...Ah!"

"What, it's got an interesting story or something?"

My fingers landed on the page about the Witch. I hurriedly shook my head at Subaru, audibly closing the book. 

"Well, nothing big, but yes, a little. When you can read this, too...Yeah."

When Subaru is finally able to read this, what will he think of me? A selfish part of me didn't want him to read it, or even be able to read it. That was wrong of me. I shook my head again, more to myself.

A few more peaceful minutes passed as he scribbled at his desk in front of me as I watched from behind. Goodness, it seemed he could study just fine as long as he didn't let himself get distracted. Another page was about to be completely filled. 

"Hey, Subaru...Why don't you take work as seriously as you do studying?"

"My motto is to be diligently un-diligent...is what I would say, but this isn't the right mood for that. Uh?"

"It's a serious matter--Ram was complaining about it a little, too. From time to time it feels like you're holding back."

Subaru paused the moving of his quill pen for a moment, lost in thought.

"...So you do feel guilty about it. It feels like you're honest to a fault in some odd places, Subaru. You're not slacking off studying, after all."

What I told him was the truth. Not just Ram, but also Rem had voiced some of their concerns about him to me in their own ways. Ram's complaints were about his lack-luster work ethic, while Rem had been particularly quiet. In Rem's case, her silence about the matter worried me. There was something she wasn't sharing, and I felt bad that Rem didn't trust me enough to confide in whatever was bothering her. The fact that neither of them would supervise his studying tonight had to mean something. There was also the fact that I knew Subaru had went out with Rem earlier today to go shopping in the village. Did he say something wrong to her during that outing? 

When he finished his final studying task of the day, he swiftly closed his notepad and brought up a request to me. He told me he wanted to go on a "date" with me. When asked what that word meant, he replied that it was a 'special event when a guy and a girl go out all by themselves.' Didn't that mean that Subaru had gone out on a date with Rem earlier? He stiffened up and said that didn't count. 

He said he wanted to take me to the village. Again, wasn't that what he did with Rem? I got the feeling Subaru was being kind of greedy...

He wanted to show me a bald-spotted puppy and the flower field there. 

"Ah...the village, huh?"

"The dog's super cute. Let's go!"

"But it might cause you quite a bit of trouble, Subaru. The villagers..."

"The kids there are completely innocent, totally a bunch of angels. Let's go!"

Subaru's face looked so eager, so earnest. His eyes were practically sparkling in anticipation. Maybe he was right. Kids were more innocent. Maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't look up at me with fear. I could wear the special cloaking coat, too. I could make it work, right? Subaru was constantly pushing me outside my comfort zone. I hated him for it, but I was starting to accept his advancements. Maybe.

"...All right already. It can't be helped. I'll just have to go with you."

If it would encourage him to work harder for the maids, then it would be worth it. I stared out the window of his bedroom, admiring the night sky for one last time. He looked outside too, his expression becoming uncharacteristically serious. 

His eyes looked so clear. It caught me off guard. There was an emotion reflected in those clear eyes that looked kind of...sad? Remorseful? But there was also a fire burning beneath them as well, like this date meant so much to him. I needed to treat this as a promise. I felt like somehow I was disappointing him...

"Just now...Ah, its nothing."

"You know, if you suddenly stop talking like that, it really makes guys nervous...?"

"Its nothing!"

I should probably get out of here before I say anything embarrassing. I strode past him and went straight to the door knob before looking back one last time.

"Now then, Butler Subaru. Work hard come tomorrow. Rewards come only to children who work hard for them."

I lightly waved my hand and bid him good night, vanishing past the doorway. I couldn't help but smile to myself on my long walk back to the other wing of the mansion. Plopping myself onto my bed, I gave Puck's crystal a little squeeze, and easily fell asleep.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

"I only prevented the situation from worsening. I could tell that Subaru-kun was already beyond help. Surely, he wanted me to end it as quickly as possible."

I woke up in the middle of the night, parched for thirst. I rolled over beneath my warm blankets, reaching a hand out for a glass of water on my night stand. After taking a sufficient gulp, I intended to roll back over on my other side. The coldness of my pillow woke me up a little. I blinked slowly a few times.

It then occurred to me that I heard Rem talking to Ram just outside my door in the hallway. I looked over at one of the time lights hanging on the walls in my room. It was Blue Time, which meant it was incredibly late. As in, no one should be up this hour. 

I had a bad feeling.

"Rem, I trust your judgment. But you're going to need to explain your reasoning even further for Roswaal-sama. We need to hurry and start cleaning this mess, too. The smell is awful."

I had a bad feeling.

"Agreed, onee-sama. I will fetch the supplies at once."

I had a bad feeling.

"Leave the body there, for now. I will go fetch Roswaal-sama."

I had a bad feeling.

I had a bad feeling. I pushed off my bed covers and made my way to my door knob, clutching my crystal. I forced myself to turn the handle. The door slowly swung open. 

The putrid smell invaded my nostrils right away. The rancid smell of vomit, as well as the metallic smell of old blood.

The sound of something dripping onto the tiled floor from above. Drip. An amputated arm was dangled over one of the hallway's chandeliers. Drip.

The touch of my bare feet making contact with the wet tile floor. I took a step into the carpeted central part of the hallway floor. Also wet. Drenched. 

The taste in my own mouth. The water I just drank, in addition to some stomach juices, leaked from my mouth. 

The sight of a body, clearly Subaru's because of the clothing alone. His head had been smashed. Unrecognizable. An eyeball has rolled away from the point of impact. His left arm was torn from his torso. The right arm, still connected, showed a visible dog bite mark on the palm of the hand. All parts of him were completely still, unmoving.

Red. The hallway was dyed in red. The floors, the walls, the blue time lamps, the chandeliers, the wall paintings, the tables and vases, the windows, the curtains. All crimson. 

My knees caved in. Weak. I was weak. I couldn't look at the body. My mind was trying to deny it, to pretend it wasn't there. I covered my mouth, trying not to inhale the smell again. I tried to take a deep breath.

I had to face this. Didn't Subaru just teach me to confront things, to get out my comfort zone? Didn't I just make a promise to Subaru, that I was going to go to the village with him? 

I forced myself to look. Denial wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Subaru. It was Subaru. That was his weird clothing. Those were his legs. That was his black hair...

Subaru was dead. I was able to realize that.

I heard footsteps approaching. Multiple foot steps. Clack, clack.

A storm of emotions started to churn into my heart, my brain. The red of the hallways was now behind my eyes. Red. I was seeing red. 

Anger.

"Why?"

I found myself screaming. It didn't sound like me, but my throat was warm. My vocal cords hurt.

"E-Emilia-sama! You have to understand the situation he was in! I--"

"Why did you kill him?!!"

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?!!

Pure, red anger had taken over me. I couldn't feel or think anything else.

Sharp, ice crystals made of mana formed in my extended palms. I stretched out my fingers, one sharp-edged crystal per finger.

"We made a promise! He was going to show me the village! He was going to work hard starting tomorrow to make you guys proud! He was studying so hard! How could you just--!!!"

"Lia, that's enough."

"!!"

Puck's voice reverberated from my crystal pendant. 

"That's enough, my child. Don't make this any worse than it already is. Just sleep."

"Puck! You--You can't! I'm not done with them--"

Ah.

There was that familiar feeling. This had happened before, long ago.

The crimson flames in my heart were being extinguished by a sense of exhaustion. Nothingness. 

My vision faded to black.

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	4. At the Bottom of the Cliff (Arc 2, Death 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru jumps off the edge of a high cliff (Arc 2, Death4, LN volume 2, chapter 5 "The Morning He Yearned For")

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Subaru was a weird, mischievous boy who I had just met a day ago. He saved my life and I was indebted to him, so he was currently a guest at the Roswaal mansion, getting serious treatment and rest. The cut across his stomach looked extreeeemely painful, and the fact that the injury was received in the first place was because of my own foolishness. I didn't react to that Gut Hunter lady in time, and it caused Subaru to jump out and get hit by her knife in order to protect me. I felt such guilt for that. Why did he do that? Didn't he know that I was a silver-haired half-elf, hated and feared by everyone? Didn't everyone want me dead? Yet, for some reason, he acted in such a careless way. I wanted to ask him why sooo badly. All I could do was get him healed with Beatrice's help and let him sleep. 

The next morning, Ram and Rem had seeken me out from studying in my room to ask that I see Subaru right away. The maids reported to me that Subaru had just woken up, but he was thrashing and flailing about. He was screaming, wailing, and had been digging his fingernails into the back of his hand, and they had done their best to restrain him. He needed first aid right away, but it seemed he didn't want anywhere near the two maids, even though Rem could have easily healed him. Ram, Rem, and I...We were worried. 

I visited his guest room right away, sat on the bed at his side and healed the tiny crescent-shaped scars on this hands. I hated that the scars were obviously self-inflicted. Didn't it hurt? Didn't he show me that he was all confident and sure of himself? Surely, the brave Subaru that I saw yesterday wouldn't have intentionally hurt himself like this? He was acting strange; well, he was already a little weird, but I got the feeling that this current Subaru was far away from his true self. Puck, able to read emotions, verified that with me via our mental link. Subaru was obviously overwhelmed. That much, I could understand. I could see it in his eyes. Yesterday, his brown eyes were so clear and full of determination. Today, they looked foggy, unclear, and empty. I watched as he clenched his fists into his blanket, biting his lower lip.

"Hey, Emilia, do you...think I'm a bother?"

The answer to that should have been obvious! How could he ask such a thing? I raised my index finger, ready to hold this child in check.

"How could I think you're a bother? You saved my life, Subaru. What are you supposed to do if someone you owe a debt to just gets up and leaves? It'd really put me in a bind."

I narrowed my eyes at him, giving him a look of distrust. I mean, to stop thinking of my benefactor as my benefactor was the absolute worst thing I could ever do. I owed him sooo much. He literally risked his life for me, yet he asks me if he's a bother? I wished I could get that through to him.

He stayed silent, then a little bit of light returned to his murky eyes, as if he had just realized something reeeaally important. His expression looked serious, raising his head to look me in the eyes.

"--Emilia, there's something I want to tell you."

I nodded, staying in my seat by his bedside. I felt my face become tense with concern. He took a deep breath.

"Emilia, I ca---"

The next time I blinked my eyes, Subaru was clenching his chest, holding in his breath. His eyes were murky again, his expression pained. I reached my hands to gingerly rest on his thighs, bringing him away from his thoughts. 

"Subaru, what's wrong? Don't go all quiet like that. It worries me."

Was he ill? Did his chest hurt? In the back of my head, I recalled the maids had told me that Beatrice had played a nasty trick on him earlier this morning. Did Beatrice do something to him? I placed my right palm against his face, feeling for a fever.

"Wh-what's wrong? You've been acting weird since earlier. If something's wrong..."

"--I want to ask you a favor."

Subaru had cut me off, immediately sinking himself back down to lay in his bed. He curled over on his side, turning himself away from me. 

"Don't have anything to do with me."

Shock.

This boy had completely given up. He refused to look at me or anyone else. If this behavior and attitude were shown by anyone else, I would have believed it and treated it as normal. I mean, most people in this world didn't want to have anything to do with me. I was a silver-haired half-elf. I was used to those kinds of statements. But coming from Subaru, it hurt me. This wasn't the same Subaru I met yesterday. He hadn't smiled once, he hadn't reached out once. 

He stayed silent, curled up away from me in his bed. There was nothing left to be said. As quietly and calmly as I could, I walked out of his room and closed the door behind me.

My cheeks felt wet. My eyes were burning.

"I thought...I was over this. I thought those words weren't supposed to hurt me anymore..."

Making my way back to my room, I did my best to keep my head down so no one would notice me.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Three days had passed.

I had found time to visit Subaru's room every day, despite his original request to "have nothing to do with him." It was obvious I couldn't accept that from him. It didn't have any meaning. He was just overwhelmed. I had to check up on him, especially since he would still barely acknowledge the maids. I was pleased to hear he had spoken with Beatrice, though. It seemed she had apologized for the trick she played on him on his first day. I couldn't help but think Beatrice somehow looked a little happier after I asked her to visit him.

Subaru, on the other hand, was looking worse each time I visited. He had dark, visible eye bags under his listless eyes, lacking sleep. His skin complexion was pale, refusing to eat the meals that were delivered to him. He looked like he had lost weight. His eyes remained dark and unclear. He had kept his hands underneath the blankets. Once again, a tray of breakfast foods lay on his bed, untouched.

"So you really didn't eat breakfast, did you?"

"...Sorry."

All he could do was apologize? Really? That didn't feel fair to Ram and Rem, who went out of their way to cook him these meals. Ram even suggested this time for Rem to make something that could be handled by a delicate stomach that hadn't eaten in two days. They were such good girls, weren't they?

"Maybe its tough, but its bad for you if you don't eat at least a little bit."

I stared at the food tray on his bed, reaching out my hands to touch the bowl of soup. It was still fairly warm. 

"My stomach won't take it...Well, maybe if Emilia-tan went 'Say aah' for me, I could eat, but..."

Really? There was hope! I didn't hesitate, since that was clearly him saying that he would eat! Although childish...

"Here, then. Say aah."

I picked up the silver spoon from the tray, dipped it into the bowl of soup, and gently brought it to Subaru's mouth.

"--Eh?"

"I said, say aah--"

"No, nonono, wait, hold up, Emilia-tan, what are you doing?"

He was shaking his head, a troubled look on his face. 

"What do you mean, what? You said you'd eat if I did this, didn't you? So eat. I'm saying 'Say aah' and everything."

His cheeks and ears were flushed a rosy pink as he eventually gave in to my stare and opened his mouth. As soon as he had gulped down one spoonful, I was already forcing down the next one against his lips. One spoonful after another, no stops. The fast pace I had gone with was a kind of retribution for his poor behavior. Still, I felt relieved. Just seeing some color return to his face, swallowing his soup, a small light had returned to Subaru's eyes.

He started to cough and averted his face from me, saying he needed a break from my relentless spoon-feeding. He said his throat felt all weird. It wasn't like the soup was scalding hot anymore, though...

He was hiding his face from me, but at the angle I was at, I could see a tear escape down his cheek. Concerned, I called out to him. He lightly cleared his throat, wiped his cheek, and gave me an expression that was his best attempt at reassuring me. It wasn't a smile. I still hadn't seen a smile from him since the day I met him in the capital, but...

His eyes were kind. Really, really kind. There was still an empty, sad look to them, but I got the feeling he didn't want to upset me anymore. So I returned his gaze with a gentle expression. Geez, I would forgive him. I couldn't help it. His teasing mannerisms had returned for a bit, so maybe he would be okay.

Before I got up to leave his room, Subaru had given me a warning to keep my door locked at night and not to let anyone in. He said he had a bad feeling. I thought it was another tease at first, but Puck came out from hiding to confirm with me that the feelings behind his warning had indeed been serious. I could tell Subaru was suddenly serious too, so I chose to believe in his warning and would lock my door tonight.

With that out of the way, I swiftly got up from my seat at his bedside and made my way to the door. That lack of sleep of his was going to catch up to him reeeeal soon, especially after a full stomach. I hoped he would finally get some rest, closing the door behind me. Later that evening, Ram and Rem had reported to me that Subaru had finally fallen asleep thanks to my help. I was glad to hear it, but they also told me that he appeared to be having nightmares and was lashing out again, so they each held his hands to provide him comfort as he slept. That worried me, so I had ended my studying that evening as soon as I could to check up on him. But when I entered his room, he wasn't there. Where had he gone?

The next day, the fourth day of him being here, I couldn't find him at all. I hoped he was okay...

I locked my door the next night, too. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

The next morning, the fifth day of Subaru being a guest at the Roswaal mansion, Puck had woken me up early.

Rem was dead. She had passed away in her sleep. This wasn't like Rem to die from something like fatigue or weakness. Roswaal and Puck started talking, discussing the possibilities of a shaman's curse. Puck immediately called out to Beatrice in her library, since she was a great spirit who could detect curses. She could help us sort out the mystery of Rem's death. 

I left Rem's room to see if I could find Subaru. He had been missing a whole day, and I felt he needed to be here. I had to be the one to tell him. He wasn't going to listen to anyone else.

Shortly after leaving Rem's room, I saw Beatrice coming out from a nearby door in the hallway, obviously leaving her archive. The door closed behind her and she quickly made her way past me to respond to Puck's call. 

My legs froze in place for a moment. I stood there in the hallway, staring at the door that was just closed. Subaru could have been in the archive, right? That would explain his disappearance since yesterday. I was reeeeally hoping I would see Subaru exiting from the same door. If he did, if he had been in the archive with Beatrice this whole time since his disappearance, then that would mean he wasn't involved in Rem's overnight death. I was hoping that was the case. It could help clear some things up even a little bit...

Ram was screaming in anguish and grief. The storm of emotions raging in the air was palpable, even outside Rem's room in this hallway. I swallowed a lump down my throat and stared at the door ahead of me. Hoping, hoping.

Subaru came out. My legs stayed frozen in place, but I watched as the boy walked out of the same door Beatrice had come out from. He shielded his eyes, blinded by the rising run of morning. He looked relieved, reaching out to push open the hallway windows that overlooked the garden. He was mumbling to himself, then he stumbled and bumped his back against the wall and slid down. It looked like he had lost the will to stand. Some more inaudible mumbling ensued as he hugged his knees. 

Laughter. Subaru was on the hallway floor, laughing. It was a dry, low kind of laugh that didn't reach his eyes. I didn't understand how someone could laugh like that. Something about seeing that allowed my legs to move again. I raised my voice.

"Subaru?"

The boy lifted his head from his knees. He looked annoyed first, then shocked. A light had returned to his dark eyes as he stared at me.

"...Emilia?"

"Subaru, where did you go?"

_Tell me the truth._

"Er, I..."

_Never mind._

"I mean...No, that's fine. It's fine, just...come with me."

I grabbed his arms and pulled him up to his feet with ease. He didn't resist at all, just staring at nothing as I grabbed his hand and pulled him along behind me. 

"Where are we going...Hey Emilia, listen to me. I've worked really hard to get to this point..."

What was he talking about? His voice sounded empty like always, yet pleading, wanting me to listen to him. He worked hard to get to this point? What did he mean by that? Why was he in Beatrice's archive for that long? There were too many questions, but I had to focus on getting us to Rem first. 

"Why are you making a face like that? I mean, it all turned out all right...didn't it? I'm safe and sound, and you're...Yeah. Let's go to the village...together, and then..."

His words didn't make sense after that...'It turned out all right?' In what way was Rem's death 'all right?' How could he talk about going to the village, all of a sudden? I remained silent, letting him talk even though I didn't understand him.

"There's lots I want to do with you and talk about with you. A lot's happened. I wanted you to know th--"

"Subaru."

I couldn't listen to his words anymore. I felt irritated. He was going on about this and that, things totally unrelated to the terrible, miserable situation at hand. I turned around and stared at him in my frustration. I was about to tell him about Rem, when-

A long, high-pitched scream emanated from directly ahead of us, cutting the air like a knife. We had made it to Rem's room. 

Roswaal and Beatrice, accompanied by Puck on her shoulder, were standing with their backs against the back wall of the bedroom. As we stepped in, Ram was kneeling before Rem's bed, screaming and crying at the sight of her lifeless, younger sister. I released my hand from Subaru, allowing him to step closer, hoping he wouldn't do anything reckless.

I watched carefully as Subaru reached out to touch Rem, which caused an angered Ram to cut his cheek with her wind magic. Ram wasn't going to let anyone touch Rem. Subaru should have understood that. So much for hoping he wouldn't be reckless...

Subaru was mumbling to himself again. Words I didn't understand, and low enough that I couldn't hear him clearly. Roswaal had asked Subaru if he knew anything about what happened: the question that everyone in this room had wanted to ask him. Subaru stumbled over his words, angered that he would be suspected. The fact that Subaru was acting this way worried me. His eyes weren't looking at anything in particular, lost in thought. He looked like he had something important to say, and yet he wasn't willing to say it for whatever reason. 

I tugged on Subaru's sleeve of his guest robes, looking up into his dark eyes.

"...Subaru."

My voice sounded anxious. I pleaded with him. He stared back at me in silence.

_If you know anything, please say it._

_If you know anything, please say it._

_Why aren't you saying anything?_

In response, Ram threw another gust of wind toward Subaru. Ram's anger was trying to find an outlet to unleash her emotions upon. If I had a sister as kind as Rem, I probably would have acted the same way. Chaos ensued. Ram flung another violent air slash across the room. Roswaal and Beatrice started to bicker amongst each other, starting a meaningless fight. Beatrice had revealed that she had made a temporary pact with Subaru to protect him. Ram ended that fight before it could begin, begging Beatrice to let her through to Subaru. She wanted to avenge Rem's death. Of course she did. 

Even so.

I moved to stand beside Beatrice, shielding Subaru from Ram's hostile gaze. That was the choice I made. 

"I'm sorry, Ram. I still believe in Subaru."

I raised my palms in Ram's direction, prepared to gather my mana into them if needed. My eyes wavered from my hands to Subaru's figure standing behind me. This was it. This was me giving him his last chance to speak up. _Say something. Say something._ I found my voice.

"Subaru, please. If there's something you can do for Ram and Rem...please."

I would always do my best to show compassion. It was in my nature. I knew how it felt to be turned away, to be untrusted, to be blamed.

Subaru's eyes were sad. I wanted to change that. Subaru was a happy child when I met him. The current expression on Subaru's face didn't suit him. He looked at me, squeezed his eyes shut, shook his head, and took a step back.

"I'm sorry--!"

_He's...sorry?_

If Subaru was apologizing, then...then...Was he admitting that he had something to do with Rem? Even after giving him those many chances to explain himself, giving him a way out, he had still chosen to hide whatever it was that he was hiding.

Shock. Sorrow. Disappointment. 

He turned his back to me and started running out of the room.

Instantly, feeling the wind mana surrounding the room, I extended my arms out towards Subaru's back. Ram was aiming to hurt him. I understood that. All I could do was block the blade of wind before it could hit his back. I shouted out to him one last time.

"Subaru--!!"

He was already out of sight. I no longer had the time to run after him. I had to do something about Ram. She was so hurt that she wanted to hurt Subaru in exchange. Her intense glare was beyond furious; it was murderous. Ram wanted to kill Subaru. Ram wanted to kill Subaru. I was mad at him, too. I understood that. But going that far, wanting to kill him...I just couldn't bare to imagine it. There shouldn't be any more deaths.

I had to focus on the here and now. Ram was resorting to force. Beatrice and I tag-teamed to block Ram's attacks. Dust and pieces of shattered wood and stone made it hard to breathe. With every gust of wind thrown at us, it was all I could do to have my ice magic absorb and redirect the force elsewhere, destroying pieces of the building. The fight broke away from Rem's room to down the hallway, out into the garden courtyard, down the pebbled path that led away from the mansion. It felt like the fight was dragging on and on. Ram was relentless. At some point, we needed to find Subaru. It had to be one of us. Me or Beatrice. Beatrice was the one who had to do it. They had a pact, and she was reeeeaally strong. I was super impressed by Beatrice's skills as we took turns against Ram.

I told Beatrice I would provide an opening for her so that she could break away from the fight and find Subaru before Ram could get to him. It was all I could think of. The sun was starting to set, which meant Puck's aid to my mana in this fight wasn't going to last much longer. With one final attack to block Ram, my body gave out. Clouds of dust surrounded the area, giving Beatrice her means of escape. I inhaled too much of the dirt and fell to my knees in exhaustion. My vision, already unclear thanks to the smoke, faded to black.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

When I awoke, the sun was just about to be finished setting. There was just enough golden sunlight out to see that I was alone, laying in the spot of dirt where I had collapsed. 

I hated that I was slow to wake up. My mind was still hazy, fighting through the exhaustion. _Get up. C'mon, body. You need to get up._

The sun finished setting. It was dark outside. 

_Subaru..._

Did Beatrice get to Subaru in time? Did Subaru finally reveal whatever truth he had to tell? Did Ram avenge her sister's death?

I rose to my feet and dug out a piece of lagmite from my skirt's pockets. The stone lit up radiantly, allowing me to see the woods surrounding the mansion. I squeezed my crystal pendant to verify that Puck wasn't there.

Step by step, I walked into the woods. I could faintly hear Beatrice's high-pitched voice talking to someone in the far distance. I followed the sound of her voice throughout the forest. It was even darker now, so I called upon some lesser spirits to help illuminate the path and guide me.

The lesser spirits led me to an open area of the forest. Just beyond that open field, there were dozens of sharp, jagged boulders protruding from the soil. Above those boulders was a hanging cliff, perhaps hundreds of meters high. 

I saw Beatrice, Ram, and Roswaal staring at something on the ground by the rocks. Beatrice's cheeks displayed a dried-up trail of tears. Ram was calm again, although still visibly angry. Roswaal looked calm and collected, given the situation. I observed them first, then started my walk over to the source of their stares. None of them tried to stop me from going over there, which was a little odd.

I regretted it instantly. I felt the urge to wretch.

A human body, wearing the mansion's blue guest robes, positioned face-down. The angles were all wrong. His back and neck were bent in, pieces of vertebrae sticking out. At least the arms and legs looked fairly normal. The back of his head appeared fine as well, but the way the front of the head was flat against the soil made it easy to believe that the front of the skull was smashed upon impact. There was so much blood absorbed into the dirt. I had to look away after that. There was no denial. Just shock.

"Su..baru?"

No response, of course. Subaru was gone from this world. With his body in that kind of shape, there was no hope to save him. If Beatrice couldn't do it, then there was no way someone like me could heal wounds like his.

Beatrice had explained to me what happened. Subaru admitted to Ram that he had no idea what had happened to Rem, told them he loved them both, and then jumped off the cliff to his death.

_Coward. Liar._

That was it? That was how he had chosen to end things? He hadn't been truthful at all! This whole time! What was the point?! What was the point in protecting him, in having Beatrice form a pact of protection for him, if he was just going to throw it all away? Did he believe his death would suddenly solve everything?

Anger swelled within me. I shook my head back and forth, squeezing my eyes shut to try to disperse the color of red invading my vision. _Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?!_ Like a child, I dug my feet into the dirt, kicking around the soil. Parts of my shoe soles made contact with the wet, bloodstained parts of dirt, so at some points I was flinging mud around everywhere, dirtying up my clothes. I didn't care.

My face felt hot, especially my eyes. They were burning. There was a lump in my throat that I just couldn't seem to swallow down. My cheeks were wet. Again, why?

I walked closer to the bent-up corpse, leaning over to touch the back of his head. I gingerly ran my fingers through his black hair, trying to stop my fingers from trembling. Struggling to find my voice, I asked Roswaal if it was possible to get Subaru's body out of the rocks from this angle, so that we could properly bury him somewhere. He shook his head at me and said it was best to leave the corpse there and leave it to the mabeasts to find him.

Mabeasts?

Apparently, Beatrice and Roswaal were able to deduce that mabeasts were nearby in the woods, and that it was a mabeast's curse that caused Rem's death. Subaru wasn't involved; Subaru was innocent.

_What?!_

Why now? Why couldn't they have solved that mystery sooner?

So what they were saying was...none of this was Subaru's fault. Subaru died for no reason. _No reason!_

"If only...he could have just told us the truth...."

My fingers continued to caress Subaru's hair as my shoulders shook.

"If only...we could go back in time and find the mabeast..."

I lifted my head towards the night sky, staring at the stars. The lesser spirits stayed by my side, swaying back and forth all around me.

"If only...Subaru were still...here...I--"

I could still repay him somehow. I owed Subaru so much, and in the end, I couldn't give him anything back in return. If only, if only, if only...

Bargaining.

Bargaining wasn't going to get us anywhere. What was done, was done. But even so, even so...

All I could do was weep in despair. I was an idiot. I was weak. 

How was I going to be a queen someday, if I allowed an important friend and benefactor to just die, without receiving his due reward. Pathetic, pathetic.

Despair.

My world had turned black and white.

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	5. "Take This and Wipe His Face" (Arc 3, Death 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru gets possessed by Petelguese as a consequence of not killing the fingers first, forcing Felix and Julius to kill him in the outskirts of Arlam Village (Arc 3, Death 4)  
> references to:  
> LN volume 4 chapter 5 "Subaru Natsuki, The Self-Declared Knight"  
> LN volume 8, chapter 5 "A Pact Fulfilled"  
> LN volume 12 chapter 5 "Ending List"

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Subaru had done so much. It felt like the debts I owed him just kept adding on. How was I ever going to repay him, especially when he never really asked for anything in return?

First, he risked his life to get me back my insignia and saved me from the Gut Hunter and yet only asked me for my name.

Second, he willingly helped the maid sisters by over-exerting himself around the mansion and earned their trust. He was easily overwhelmed and distraught about something he couldn't tell me, trying to hide how he truly felt by constantly teasing myself and others. The least I could do for him was offer him my lap while I listened to his cries. He was a good person, wasn't he?

Third, he saved Rem from losing herself to her oni transformation and had gotten himself severely bitten by a pack of Ulgarm in the process. I stayed up all night and used the last of my mana and odo to heal him from his countless bite marks. He didn't even wake me up to tell me he was fine before he left me again, that jerk. 

Fourth, he risked his life again to protect Arlam Village and its people from the Ulgarm mabeast. He was especially helpful in saving the children. The entirety of the village revered Subaru with their utmost respect. He became like an overnight hero. It was amazing. 

Of the many wonderful things Subaru had done in such a short amount of time, I still found it hard to believe that he wanted to actually spend time with me. I wasn't used to receiving someone's attention like that before. There were no negative feelings or fear reflected in Subaru's eyes when I caught him staring at me, yet my brain kept trying to convince me otherwise. Puck had to keep reminding me that I was worrying over nothing. Over and over again, Subaru had shown me that he was kind, he was dependable and smart when it counted, he was a hard worker, and he could be trusted. I felt terrible for ever doubting him, and again the debts I owed him just kept piling up.

The first step in repaying Subaru was to get his abused gate finally fixed. Neither myself, Beatrice, Roswaal, nor Puck could give Subaru's gate the healing that it desperately needed. Roswaal pulled some strings to seek an audience with Crusch Karsten's faction, so she had sent over some of her messengers to the mansion so that we could prepare a plan. We needed to talk about the upcoming ceremony, too. The royal candidates were being called to enter the capital. It was reeeaally important. 

Originally, I didn't want Subaru to even come with me to the capital, in fear that he would do something reckless again. I would have preferred that we just send Subaru straight to the Karsten's manor, but the problem was that her property was actually located inside the capital. Subaru also convinced me that he wanted to go to the capital to see if he could find the people who saved him when we first met. He wanted to thank them, especially Reinhard. So it made more sense to have Subaru come with me, but there was no way I was going to allow him to enter Lugunica's palace where the ceremony would take place. So we could branch off at that point, and he would be in the hands of Luginica's very best healer, the Blue.

Once we arrived at the capital, I kept true to my word and walked around the city with Subaru. I kept a firm grasp on his hand while we walked, making sure he wouldn't slip out and run off on his own. His palms were sweaty and his cheeks were pink, but I absolutely refused to let go. Besides, wasn't it Subaru who wanted to hold hands with me on our 'date?' He wasn't against it back then! So, just like that, we had spent the entire first day making our visits around the fruit stall merchants and asking around about Rom, Felt, and Reinhard. There were no signs of the three people, but we were able to buy a bag of appas, which was lovely. Subaru had made a promise with the merchant to buy from him when he had the money, and now that he had been paid for his butler services by Roswaal, he could pay for them. There were so many of them; I think the merchant was being quite generous to Subaru. I was looking forward to what Rem could cook with them, since she had joined us on our trip and was waiting for us to return at our inn.

The last stop of the day was to check the station in the Nobles' District so that I could use their conversation mirrors. I needed to get in touch with the castle to square away some things for the big ceremony coming up. I couldn't tell Subaru this, though, for obvious reasons. By chance, I was able to get Julius to lead me to the station's mirrors, so I asked Subaru to wait outside for me while I went inside the building with Julius. 

Why was it that Subaru couldn't just sit still and wait for me to come back? That reeeeaally bothered me. When I returned back to the front of the station, Subaru wasn't there. There was a strange-clothed man named Al who accompanied me to look around for him, since he was looking for a lost child, too. Geez. At least it didn't take long to locate our missing persons, since they were in an alleyway close by. 

As soon as I saw that there was a person accompanying Subaru in the alleyway, I pulled down the hood of my cape. This was not good. Why did he have to be with Priscilla, of all people? The boy was troublesome. Could I really not leave him alone for two minutes? I sighed to myself, relieved that at least my anti-detection hood was working properly. Priscilla was...hard to talk to. With that, I reached for Subaru's hand and we walked quietly back to our inn. I made sure to remind Rem to keep Subaru in check for the next day to come. It was super duper important that Subaru not go to the candidate meeting. He could do that, right? Staying away from the castle, keeping quiet and enjoying some well-earned rest in the inn, waiting for my return...I made Subaru promise me before we went to bed. A promise was a promise, right? Subaru had to know the importance of a kept promise, right?

The next morning was stressful, to say the least. It was a big day, and the pressure was immense. Getting dressed, my shoulders felt stiff, like there was a huge weight resting on my back. I didn't sleep well, either. I was going to have to introduce myself to the council of elders, to the elite, to the knights. I couldn't afford to mess this up. Roswaal and Puck had devised an act for us to play out, and I didn't exactly agree with having to go through that act just to win the council's favor through fear. It didn't feel right, but I played along. There was no other way, I guess. As the castle's guards let us enter the throne room, it just made my stomach queasy. Roswaal was my backer, and Puck was reassuring me in my head, doing his best to ease my nerves. I followed Roswaal around as we made light chat with some of the councilmen and knights before the ceremony started.

When the grand doors to the throne room opened, I knew it would be for the final candidate to enter, Priscilla Barielle. She walked in gracefully with Al accompanying her. It was easy to assume that Al was her knight. However, on her other side was a face I hadn't wished I would see. 

Subaru.

Why was he here, and why was he accompanying Priscilla, at that? My brain felt like it was going into overdrive, as all sorts of chaos ensued. Subaru was allowed in the throne room with the help of Priscilla, ultimately breaking our very important promise. Reinhard introduced the fifth candidate to the councilmen, and it was Felt. Each of us made our introduction speeches and announced our backers. Roswaal and Puck's act got out of hand, and Subaru yelled at everyone for calling me names. Of course he was going to snap. Of course he couldn't just sit still and wait. Of course, of course...

I was very, very disappointed. I lowered my chin, doing my best not to show my face. Anger and betrayal stormed within me, and Puck was doing his best to calm me down in my head. Subaru doesn't know the ways of this kingdom yet, Puck argued. I knew that. It wasn't an excuse, though. Yelling at the elders, announcing himself as my knight for no reason, arguing with Julius...Of course Marcos was going to kick him out of the meeting. It was the right thing to do, so I personally saw him out. Subaru wasn't anyone's attendant, and he wasn't anyone's knight. He had to know that. He didn't need to be here. He shouldn't have come, he shouldn't have come. 

With Subaru gone, things calmed down for just a bit, but then the grand doors opened again to let in a messenger. It was reported that Subaru was having a mock fight down at the colosseum with Julius, and it was evidently one-sided. The issue certainly wasn't who started the fight, who agreed to it, or even who would win. The question, again, was why. Why? What was the purpose? Why do such a thing, after already embarrassing himself in the throne room? I had to excuse myself from the meeting right away, fearing Subaru was going to be in a terrible state and might try to use magic again...

When I arrived at the colosseum, running through the crowds of knights shouting about in the audience, I was able to find a balcony seat that overlooked the arena. I noticed Subaru right away, getting up from the ground. He looked awful.

"Subaru!"

There was blood seeping into the soil just underneath his feet. 

"Subaru!"

One of his eyes was swollen shut, his nose was bleeding, a tooth was missing, his left wrist looked crooked. Was my voice not reaching him? Please, stop this.

I shouted his name again, and as if he was ignoring me completely, he used Shamak. Julius cut through the dark cloud with ease and landed a final blow with his wooden sword. Subaru lay perfectly still on the ground. That was the end. I was too late. 

Marcos ordered Ferris to heal all of Subaru's wounds. We were granted access into a guest room of the castle, where he could be treated. As efficient as expected, Ferris healed everything. Doing my best to keep my anger bottled for a little longer, I earnestly thanked Ferris and was in awe about his amazing skills with water mana. With a final word of thanks, he left the guest room and I seated myself by Subaru's bedside. I neatly folded my anti-detection cloak and placed it in my lap, hiding the small blood stains left by Subaru on the front of my skirt. My fingers fiddled with the white fabric as I waited for Subaru to wake up, all while trying to get my brain to process everything that happened. My thoughts were so chaotic, that I don't think I was even staring at anything in particular, and I absolutely refused to look at Subaru right now. The expression on his sleeping face looked pained. I couldn't bare it.

Once he awoke and I was able to see his eyes, I was able to make up my mind. We would have a long talk and he would tell me why he did what he did. I was hanging on to the last fragment of hope that I had for him. This was Subaru, the boy who saved a village, earned everyone's trust, planned things out, and had high ideals. Since this was Subaru, his reason may have been important somehow...

He told me he wanted payback against Julius. That was his reason. He was being stubborn and hated Julius for reasons I just didn't understand. That was it.

"That's...why you...?"

There wasn't a more important reason than that? I clenched the fabric in my lap.

"...Emilia...tan, you..."

Subaru kept his head hung low, unable to look at me. "--You just don't understand."

So that was it. I see. If I understood him, everything would make so much sense. 

"--You're right."

I agreed. There was no point in pushing the issue any further.

I understood what needed to be done.

Subaru would remain in the capital with Rem to get Ferris's treatment at the House of Karsten, as originally planned. Roswaal and I would return to the mansion. We would go our separate ways. Subaru tried to argue against it, reaching out to pull on my sleeve. He called out to wait, his voice was frail. Did he think that action would stop me?

"...You push yourself too far when you're around me. Don't you?"

I couldn't look at him. Meekly, he replied,"You don't have to...put it like that..."

"I'm not wrong, am I? It was like that when we first met, and like that at the mansion. And it was like that today...All of it's because you were together with me, wasn't it?"

Maybe I could be compared to a witch, after all. Maybe I was cursing people around me without knowing it. Maybe that's why I couldn't make friends easily. Subaru's suffering was because of me, right? I wasn't good for him. There were too many drawbacks to being near me. I was a silver haired, amethyst-eyed half-elf. That had to be it. So the solution was simple: I would send him away to get healed and I would never see him again. 

Subaru shook his head. "That's not what I was trying to say...I just..."

"Just?"

"I just did those things...because I wanted to give you something..."

"For...me?"

What part of his actions were for my sake? Did he think I enjoyed seeing him like this? Getting beaten, getting cut, bruised, cracked bones, bloody, shamed...

"--It was all for your own benefit, wasn't it?"

Stubbornly doing whatever he wanted. Disregarding my orders and our promises because he wanted. Sneaking into the throne room because he wanted. Fighting Julius because he wanted. 

"I...I just...wanted..to give you...---Mff!"

I stood up from my chair and threw my folded-up cloak in his face.

The anger that I was trying hard to keep under control had escaped. I bit my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. My shoulders were shaking. My eyes felt like they were burning, and the tears that were filling up my vision made it hard to see.

"Stop lying about doing all these things for my sake--!!"

I shook my head, digging my fingers into the hems of my long sleeves. I continued, raising my voice. 

"Coming to the castle, fighting with Julius, using magic...You're saying it was all for me? I didn't ask you for any of those things!"

"--!"

"All I wanted was for you to do the things I asked you to do!"

"----"

"Hey, do you remember? What I asked?"

"I--I..."

"I asked you to stay at the inn with Rem and wait."

"---"

"Using any more magic would be very bad for you, so I asked you not to use magic."

It was for his own good, for his health. I even used the word 'please' both times. I didn't like seeing Subaru beaten up, broken, cut, bitten, drained. The way he kept misusing his body, I wouldn't be surprised if his gate just collapsed on him altogether. I awaited Subaru's reply.

"I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you. I'm really, really sorry. But! But you're wrong. I, I didn't do them for my sake..." Subaru covered his mouth with his hands, shocked, and he looked away from me.

"Emilia, don't you...believe me?"

I felt a lump starting to form in my throat. I tried to swallow it down, but my eyes were filled with more tears again. 

"I want to believe you....I want to believe you, Subaru."

I hated how my voice sounded. I took a deep breath in, steadying myself.

"I wanted to believe you...but you're the one who stopped me, Subaru!"

_Liar_

"You didn't uphold a single promise, did you, Subaru? You... _promised_ , but you broke them all like they were nothing and ended up here, didn't you?!"

_Liar_

"You haven't kept your word, but then say you want me to trust you...? However you ask, I can't do that. I can't..."

_Liar_

"...Hey, Subaru. Why do you want to help me so much?"

_Say something. Explain yourself_

This was a question I had wanted to ask him so many times. Witnessing all the things he had done in this short amount of time, running around covered in injuries, forcing himself to smile all the while risking his life...

"I want to do everything I can to help you because you saved me..." replied Subaru

"I...saved you?"

"That's right."

That didn't make any sense.

"I don't think you understand how...much you helped me. But that...saved me, more than words can express."

Maybe Subaru was...deranged? Mad? 

"Subaru, I don't understand..."

"That can't be...helped. But its true. You saved me. That's why I tried to...pay back the favor...but now, it's..."

His mutterings continued to not make any sense. I searched my memories, thinking back to how I met this boy. 

"--I told you, I don't understand! I saved you? I did no such thing. The first time I met you was at the loot cellar. I'd never seen you before in my life!"

My head hurt. There were parts of my memories that I couldn't touch. I was trying to reach out, to use my brain. Think, think...But no matter how hard I tried to think back, all I could remember was how I had never met this boy before until that evening in the capital.

"No, listen to--" Subaru started to interject, but I was still grasping for what I knew.

"If I'd met you before that, if that was true, I'd...I'd...!"

Surely I'd believe you, surely I would have remembered you! Surely, I would have remembered other things, too! I was getting a headache. I buried my face in my hands, rejecting Subaru's words as I tried to fight through the white hot pain searing in my brain. I could no longer listen to his nonsense words. 

"Maybe you don't understand, but listen to me anyway. It's the truth! The first time we met when I came to this world--"

Subaru had started to respond, but he went quiet again. He rested a hand on his throat. He looked like he was in terrible pain.

"...Once again, you're not saying anything."

"Why...don't you understand...?" he asked me, as if his explanation should have made perfect sense. The look in his eyes was...off. I hated myself for thinking this, but I was seriously starting to think Subaru was crazed and was mistaking me for someone in his imagination or for someone else altogether.

"The me inside your head is really something, isn't she?"

I turned my lips into a slight smile, trying to imagine this lovely girl, this brave heroine who had saved this boy's life.

"She understands it, all of it, without even having to ask. Your pain, your sadness, your anger--she feels all of them as her own."

I was kind of jealous of this girl. What was she like? I turned my back to Subaru. 

"......Huh?"

"--If you don't say it, I can't understand, Subaru."

If he couldn't explain himself properly, then I would set the final piece of distance between us and walk away. I needed to shatter this illusion that he had of me. It wasn't fair. Subaru's lips quivered as an unsightly expression came over his face.

"I...Everything...I've done..."

He lifted his face. It was truly pitiful. What an ugly expression. He spoke up, his voice shrill.

"---You got this far because of me, didn't you?! Like at the loot cellar when your crest got stolen! I saved you from that uber-dangerous serial killer! I put my body on the line! All because you're important to me!!"

_But how was I important to him?_

He continued, gripping his bed sheets. "Like at the mansion! I barely hung on there! My skull got cracked, my head went flying, but everyone in the village got saved anyway, didn't they?! And things turned out the best way possible with Ram and Rem, I'm sure of it! That's because I was there, right?"

_What did he mean by his skull getting cracked and his head went flying? That never happened--_

"You have to owe me something for everything I've done for you--!!"

Subaru was breathing roughly with sweat on his brow. He was searching for praise, satisfaction, want. I nodded my head in acceptance, resignation, resolve.

"...Right."

I needed to end this.

"Subaru, I owe you a huge, incredible debt for many things you've done, so..."

I began to make my way to the door of this guest room, ready to leave.

"So I'll repay it all to you. Then we can end this."

I would never cause him pain ever again.

"That's enough, Subaru Natsuki."

_Thank you for what you've done, but it stops here. This is for your own good._

"Rem will come later. Do as she says. Everything else, I will arrange afterward, so..."

I reached the door handle, pausing just a moment more. 

"I...I got my hopes up. I thought, maybe, you... _you_ wouldn't give me special treatment, Subaru. I thought you could look at me like an ordinary person, like an ordinary girl, the same as any other..."

"I can't...do that." he replied in a low voice. I didn't respond, turning the door handle.

"Even if you tossed out every other person in the whole world, I couldn't do that. I can't look at you the same as everyone else, I just can't."

I closed the door to his room and didn't look back. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Roswaal and I returned safely to the mansion, leaving behind Subaru and Rem.

I went back to my daily routine, making sure to visit the lesser spirits in the gardens every morning and every evening. Puck started to go to bed earlier so that he could wake up earlier, wanting to be there for me. Puck was being a worry-wart all of a sudden, geez. I couldn't say I blamed him, though. The lesser spirits were acting up these past few days since returning. They were uneasy, warning of a presence in the forests. Ram, too, had used her clairvoyance and could sense that the forest was unnaturally calm, as if all of its creatures were leaving the area vacant. I had a terrible feeling; maybe this was another mabeast attack. I had to warn the village.

For the next few days, I visited Arlam village daily to convince the people to seek shelter in the mansion from the threat. As to be expected, no one would listen. Of course they wouldn't. I was a silver-haired half-elf, and I had done nothing to clear my name against their prejudices. It didn't even matter that the master of their lands was my backer, nor did it matter that Roswaal was gone right now, making me in charge of the mansion and the village. The villagers repudiated me. They would have rather been given directions by someone like the maids or Subaru.

Subaru.

What was he up to? I hoped he was resting easy and healing well under Crusch's care, but I highly doubted it. At the very least, I hoped being away from me had benefitted him in some way. 

I hadn't been able to sleep well ever since we got back. I would wake up in the middle of the night, having nightmares or recalling the terrible things that were said to me for as long as I could remember. _Witch. Half-devil. Curse. Monster. Disgrace._ The more the villagers rejected me, the more I believed those words. I felt bad that Puck was having to deal with me like this. 

The blank 'declaration of war' letter received at the mansion the previous night just made me worry even more. The wax seal on the letter was from the House of Karsten, so I had to wonder if Subaru had done something while he was in their care. Was he an ally to Crusch's faction now? That didn't seem like something he would do, but then again I had failed to understand him. Maybe he hated me now, like everyone else? I had certainly hurt him enough. 

My self-degrading thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a large explosion coming from the village that could be heard from the mansion. I looked out the window of my bedroom, immediately noticing the pillows of smoke in the sky. Without a second to waste, I made my way out of the mansion, ran through the forests, and again entered the village that kept rejecting me.

Before my eyes, the village was in chaos. There was fire and smoke everywhere. There were corpses sprawled about the ground. Some corpses were of villagers, others were of people dressed in black robes. _Witch Cultists. Lia, this is about to get messy._ Puck came out from hiding in my hair. I nodded, looking at one particular man close by. He was very thin, balding, middle-aged, and he appeared to be the leader of this group of villains. He was also staring menacingly at a person across the way--a person I wasn't expecting to ever see again.

Subaru.

_Let's go, Puck._

"That is far enough, villain."

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

The battle against the madman was tricky, but I defeated him. He had some sort of invisible attack that was hard to defend against, but Puck had my back. In the end, the crazed man succumbed to my attack and perished inside a blooming flower of ice. He appeared to be the last remnant of the enemy. There was a moment of silence. Most of the villagers were able to escape to the mansion, but some had remained and watched my fight. I didn't know how to read their expressions as they stared at me. I had just...killed a person. With my own hands, my own magic. As a spirits arts user, that was about the worst thing I could do. 

I was crying. But why? This was an evil person who was threatening the village. He deserved to be punished. The masses of people who remained had started to cheer, calling the battle over. We won, right? Was I crying in relief? Or was it perhaps the sense that, even though I had saved the village, its people were still staring at me like I was a witch with scary ice powers. Or maybe my tears were for those who had fallen, for those who didn't survive. I think I was just incredibly overwhelmed. I had to pull myself together, so I quickly wiped my face. Cries of victory filled the sky. Now, we just had to deal with healing and taking care of everyone that was left. I searched around the grounds, looking for Ferris. I knew he was here, along with Subaru. I think I had heard Julius and Wilhelm in the distance as well.

Villagers and new outsiders I didn't know started to approach me, thanking me for my help. Were these all new allies? Was Subaru involved in gathering all these people? I kept myself busy, healing small wounds and bowing in gratitude to those who came up to talk to me. A part of me was happy to be on my feet helping everyone, but at the same time, my thoughts lingered over to Subaru. Where had he gone off to? I couldn't find him, nor Julius, nor Ferris, nor Wilhelm. I had so many things I wanted to tell all of them, as well as sooo many questions. It seemed there was a loot of planning going on behind the scenes. I heard a rumor that Subaru had led a successful mission in subjecting the White Whale, among other things that had to do with the Witch Cult. Was this true? I really had hoped to hear it from Subaru himself.

In the middle of conversing with some of the villagers, I suddenly got the sense that something was terribly wrong. A flock of sparrows could be heard within the forest, flapping their wings about. Something was going on in the woods behind me. I had to go check it out, so I started running towards the direction of the birds. The sun was starting to set.

When I came to a stop, a found a group of knights in a circle formation, standing in an open part of the woods. There was something in the center that these men were staring at. Some of the people I knew, like Julius, Wilhelm, and Ferris. There was also a group of older men, closer to Wilhelm's age. They must have been great allies, too. I was so confused. I willed myself to look at the center of the circle. 

Subaru was laying still in the grass. A black ground dragon was perched close to one side of him, while on the other side was Ferris. He was visibly upset; I hadn't seen him like this before. 

"Su..baru?"

I approached the encirclement of knights. My knees were starting to betray me for some reason. My feet were wobbly. I walked closer to Subaru, and upon glancing at his face and neck, immediately recognized that he was a dead corpse. The main source of blood came from Subaru's neck, though it was a pretty clean cut. The blood had spattered onto his face, and his expression looked like he had felt pain, right until the very end. What...caused this? I sat on my knees, next to Ferris.

"Emilia-sama, please wipe his...Subaru's face."

"---"

Julius was talking to me, handing me a white handkerchief. I stared at Subaru in a daze. No words would escape my throat. I felt like I needed to wake up. Julius continued.

"I believe he would have desired that it be you rather than I who does it. At the least, it should be by your hand."

I couldn't speak. My voice wouldn't work. Sluggishly, I reached my right hand out to touch Subaru's face. Cold. His cheeks were cold. My fingers trembled as I wiped the dried sweat from his brow while I used my palm to wipe the traces of blood off of the corner of his mouth. I was sullying my own hands, but I didn't care. I had to feel him for myself. There was no warmth left within his body whatsoever. He was truly gone. As I continued to tidy up his face, I willed my voice to speak again, although it came out in a murmur.

"Why...? Why did Subaru come back, only to end up like this...?"

There had to be a mistake. Subaru was supposed to be alive and well, living a happy life in the capital far away from me. He wasn't supposed to be here, by my side again. I caused him nothing but trouble ever since we met.

Wilhelm, the Sword Demon, was weeping over Subaru's death, as were the group of other warriors who I wasn't familiar with. Certainly, all of these men were well-respected, former knights of the kingdom. What on earth did Subaru do for all of these people to mourn over him? I got the feeling he sacrificed himself. He was always pulling crazy risks like that, wasn't he?

"Why did Subaru come to help me, only to end up like this...? Why did this happen?"

Subaru said nothing in return. Of course he didn't. He was a corpse. He couldn't hear nor speak.

The question with Subaru was always why. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? Accordingly, going forward, I would never know the answer, the reason to Subaru's devotion. To his self-sacrifice, his persistence, his risk-taking. I would never know any of it.

I didn't know how to feel. It was strange. There was a sense of emptiness in my heart, and I understood that I was crying. I wasn't in denial. I wasn't angry. I had nothing to bargain for. I understood that I still felt disappointed in him. 

He could have lived a happy life away from me, and yet, for some reason, he still chose to come back to me. I had to accept that. I continued to sit there by his side, staring blankly at the pained expression on his face. Just like last time. I stroked his cheek with my thumb over and over again, giving myself something to do as everyone else wept. Slowly, a coldness like no other began to freeze over my heart. The green and brown hues that filled the forest, the red-orange-painted skies...Everything around me suddenly lost its color. The tears that had stained my cheeks didn't taste like salt anymore. 

Empty. I was empty. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※


	6. "Liar, Liar, Liar" (Arc 3, Death 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru kills himself after discovering Rem in a coma state (Arc 3, Death 5)  
> References to:  
> LN volume 9 Chapter 1 “The Gospel Known as Warmth”  
> LN volume 9 Chapter 5 "A Tale About That, and Nothing More"  
> LN volume 9 Chapter 6 "To Each Their Vows"  
> LN volume 12 Chapter 5 "Ending List"

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Subaru was a curious, meddlesome boy. He certainly gave off that feeling of being a troublesome child ever since I first met him that night at the loot house. I had never met him before, yet he did all kinds of crazy things that night to help me. He even continued to do such wonderful, kind, helpful things long after that event. Why? Didn't he know who I was, what I looked like? Didn't he first meet me at a time when I wasn't wearing that cloak's hood over my head? Did he not see my true, hideous face, my obnoxious ears, my retched eyes, my unsightly silver hair? Or had the darkness of being inside the loot house at night simply hidden all of that? Surely, that must have been the case. Either that, or he was blind. 

It would be better to leave him behind and never see him again. That was my decision. I believed it to be the right choice.

After all, all I did was cause him pain ever since he met me. He was better off without me. He shouldn’t have met me in the first place. Maybe I really was a witch, carrying a curse with me to whoever got too close. The only one who cared for me was Puck, and even with him, his affections for me could have simply been because he was my contracted spirit and I was his spiritualist contractor. 

Still. Even so, why did it hurt me? To be called special, to be given special treatment, to deny my wish to be treated simply as a normal girl. Why did Subaru have to go that far? He said all of his actions were for my sake, yet they weren’t. He didn’t keep his promise with me, he lied, he made a fool of himself in front of the councilmen and knights, he called himself my knight, and in the end he just ended up getting beaten up for his selfish actions. I was surprised Julius was holding back. He seemed reeeaally angry.

Of course, I was angry too. The feelings carried over with me back to the mansion and they wouldn’t let go. I felt uneasy, my mind was foggy, I was somewhat aware that I was sleep-deprived, and yet I didn’t have a clue as to what I could even do to fix all those problems. Upon returning, Ram had used her clairvoyance and warned me that something was approaching the mansion and the village. I thought it was a demon beast again, so I spent several days visiting the village to warn the people and offer to reseal the barrier. Yet, as expected, every time I spoke up to announce my warning, they would ignore me and carry on about their business. It was like I wasn’t even there. The villagers weren’t going to listen to anything I said. I was a silver-haired half-elf. They would rather take orders from the maids or Subaru if Roswaal wasn’t there. 

Subaru...

The villagers really liked Subaru. The children did, too. He was like a big brother playing around with them. His actions earned him respect from the elders as well for saving everyone from the recent Ulgarm situation. Surely, everyone in Arlam would have listened if it were Subaru. In fact, I wondered if the villagers hated me even more for not bringing Subaru back with me. Beatrice, too, hadn’t appeared at all in the mansion since returning. She probably was angry with me too. They were reeeally close, weren’t they? 

At least I was able to get my mind off of my guilt over Subaru, since the uneasiness surrounding the mansion was occupying my thoughts instead. My mind went into overdrive, trying to carry the weight on my shoulders of being in charge of the property since Roswaal was away. What was I going to do about the villagers? Would they evacuate to the capital? Would Ram be able to lead everyone to safety since they wouldn’t listen to me? Was everyone safe right now? Would the barrier around the village hold up? Was there something more sinister than a mabeast threatening the area? 

To add to my confusion, a blank letter was delivered to the mansion on the third day since my return. The letter was sealed with the wax stamp carrying the Karsten emblem, so it was clearly from Crusch in the capital. Surely, there was some kind of mistake, right? Crusch-san was hospitable enough to make a contract with me in order to get Subaru healed by Ferris. So why would she suddenly send in a declaration of war? Well, it could have been that Subaru refused to receive treatment from Crusch’s faction anymore, breaking off the contract. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if Crusch hated me, too. A part of me held on to that feeling of rejection, though a smaller part of me believed that Crusch actually was a good person.

The next day when I had awoke from a few hours of sleep, Ram had announced a visitor seeking an audience with me. When I walked down the staircase leading to the foyer and saw that the visitor was Wilhelm-san, I felt relieved. Ram had accompanied him, her calm expression showing that there was no animosity towards the Sword Devil. He had come to personally reassure my worries that the letter was a mistake, and that people were already working behind the scenes to deal with the Bandit King that was threatening the vicinity. An alliance between Crusch and I was being set in motion with talks of acquiring rights to mine the mana crystals of Elior Forest in exchange for their help. Ram was already working on warning the villagers, and another unknown messenger came in to urge us to start evacuating everyone immediately. There was a sense of urgency in that messenger’s voice, and certainly if this was the notorious Bandit King, then I would believe their reports and agree to the evacuation. Without a moment to lose, I agreed to their proposal and we made our way to the carriages awaiting us in the village. I would not let anyone get hurt. Even if the people continued to reject me, I would do my best to keep them safe from harm. That was my decision. 

But why was it that I had to ride in the carriage with the village’s children? Didn’t that lack consideration for their families? Evacuating in a carriage with a silver-haired half-elf, spending hours with them on the path to get to the capital..wouldn’t they feel uncomfortable the entire time? Disgusted, even? Wasn’t this some kind of mistake? I stood in front of the carriage assigned to me at the entrance of the village, deciding how I should voice this concern. The unknown messenger boy from earlier, the one wearing the white cloak covering his head, spoke up beside me.

”You assume anyone would be disgusted at having to ride with you, I take it?”

”!!”

Shocked by his on-the-mark words, but also curious as to who this borderline offensive boy was, I took a step closer to him. His voice sounded faintly nervous and worked up when I tried to peer into his hood. He inched away reflexively.

”Have you checked with these children to know? Or did you decide you were hated and detested all on your own?”

How rude. Wasn’t that obvious?

”I...know that without having to ask. This is for everyone’s sake.”

Of course they hated me, since their parents hated me, since their grandparents hated me. The cloaked man probably hated me, too. Having everyone stay away from me was best for them. It would keep everyone safe, away from my curse.

“One carriage, six children...how will your desires come true if you cannot even handle that?”

”How can you possibly—“

I was about to speak harshly to this cloaked man. How dare he speak of my desires, of my fears—

“How about it, Petra? Is the thought of riding the same dragon carriage as the miss hateful to you?”

The man had gotten down on one knee so that he could be at eye level with one of the children, an auburn-haired girl named Petra. What a cruel thing to ask the child, and it was even more cruel to ask it right in front of me. It was like this man had intended to hurt me through hearing her response. Time and time again, I knew what the child’s response would be: yes, being around me is hateful. Yes, I was a scary half-elf. Yes, she should find someone else to ride with. Yes, she should—

“That’s not true at all. I don’t think riding with the miss is hateful at all.”

”...Eh?”

I was frozen stiff, unsure what to do with myself. The girl, Petra, walked over to me and grabbed my hand. Hot. Petra’s hand in mine was reeeaally hot. Children really did have a higher body temperature than adults. I wasn’t used to another person’s warmth like this. Petra looked up at me and smiled bashfully, gently.

”Miss, you’re the young lady with the potato stamps, right? I saw you coming with Subaru for morning radio aerobics all the time.”

”That is...”

Oh no, she mentioned Subaru. How was I supposed to tell her that he wasn’t here anymore, that she would never see him again because of me? She continued.

”I could never see your face, but you seemed to be having fun. I know too, you know? I saw how Subaru had lots of fun talking to you. Subaru, really.....That’s why I’m not afraid of you either, miss.”

”...Ah.”

Hot. My hand was hot, my eyes were hot, my nose was stinging, my throat got caught and I couldn’t speak. I felt my cheeks redden.

”Miss, won’t you ride with us? Everyone’s been saying to leave you alone. But I’ll hold your hand, so...”

I couldn’t speak. There was a lump in my throat, and I was doing my best not to show her that my lips were trembling. I was trying not to cry. All I could utter through my closed lips in that overwhelming sense of emotion was a low,”Mmm.”

“You don’t have to feel lonely anymore, ‘Kay?”

”Mm!”

Tears were invading my vision, but I was still fighting through it, pressing a lid down on my heart so that I could smile and look good for her and the other children. Right. Petra had sensed that I felt lonely. She had grabbed me by the hand and told me I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. Relief. Comfort. Warmth. This girl’s words, in cooperation with the unknown cloaked man, had made me feel these emotions that I wasn’t used to feeling, that quite frankly I didn’t even understand myself. I felt my chest ache. The other children of the village all unanimously agreed to ride in the carriage with me, running circles around me as Petra continued to hold my hand. I smiled in gratitude first to the children, and then searched for the cloaked man so that I could give him my thanks. But he was gone. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

We were already on the Liphas Highway, on our way to the capital with half of Arlam villlage. The other half of the villagers were taking a different route to retreat to the Sanctuary, led by Ram. Wilhelm-san was protecting us from the rear since the enemy seemed to be following us. I could hear fierce swordplay echoing in the not so far distance from behind the carriage. Puck was keeping a close watch of the situation and was reporting back to me as he stayed de-materialized beneath my hair. As a spirit, he had ways of knowing what happened outside, so I had placed all of my trust in him.

Apparently, my help wasn’t needed. I felt so powerless. What was I there for? Wilhelm-san had everything under control and he had asked for me to stay with the children in the carriage. Since the ground dragon’s wind blessing had run out, the carriage was rocking and shaking terribly, so the least I could do to feel useful was protect the children from the force of the rough movements. 

Holding on tightly to the children as we continued along the harsh, bumpy road, my mind wandered to Subaru again. Not in the way of calling his name to ask for him to save us, not in the way of wanting power, but rather in a way to summon up my own way of being a hero. I wanted to call out his name to gather courage, so that I might do what Subaru would do in my place. 

“Hey, everyone, don’t worry! No matter what happens, your big sister will protect you!”

The children were clearly frightened, their eyes teary and their little shoulders shaking. Yet, they all looked at each other in some kind of understanding, and started shouting things all at once, such as “W-We’re alright!” “Don’t you worry about anything, Big Sis!” “We-we promised, so its okay!” “We’re not letting go, so...!!”

They were putting on such a brave front as they clung closer to me, wrapping their little arms and legs around my own limbs, around my shoulders, around my waist. There was soooo much body heat, but the feeling wasn’t disagreeable. What they were saying was to be reassuring, but something about their words felt off. 

“Promised...Who did you make a promise with? To do what?”

”He said not to let go of Big Sis.” “He said you’d do reckless stuff if he’s not with you, so...!” “He said he’s worried if no one’s watching out for you!” 

That way of thinking, of speaking...wasn’t that extremely overprotective? It kind of felt like this person was looking down on me, too...like I was a child who couldn’t be left alone. Geez. But still, the overall feeling was that this person was being considerate, and the words these children said reminded me eerily of the person who used to be uncomfortably by my side all the time...

”Who said...he’s worried about me?”

I’d had a feeling. An aching feeling. My chest squeezed. The children were fumbling their words until it all came spilling out.

“Subaru!” “Subaru said it!” “He was worried you’d feel lonely!” “Subaru said...Ah right, we weren’t supposed to say that..”

It can’t be. That didn’t make sense. He had no reason to have these children look after me. After all, I had hurt him. I had spoken terrible words to him and left him in the capital. The expression on his face the last time I saw him was proof of that. I had betrayed him.

I wasn’t worthy of his compassion, of his consideration, of his hand that he was always reaching out to offer me. So why?

”Subaru...came to the village? He...came back?”

Why did he come back?

Yet, if he did return, then many things about this situation suddenly made sense. Why the villagers were being so cooperative in this evacuation, why Ram knew so much about the actions of the expeditionary force fighting off the bandits, why everything I was so worried about was being handled so efficiently without my knowing. Subaru was leading the expedition. That much, at least, had made perfect sense to me. After all, sending us ahead to safety while he stayed behind with the forces...That was very Subaru-like. Too like him. 

In fact, that disappointed me. Acting in that way, putting others before himself like that...He hadn’t changed. Not at all. Wasn’t he supposed to have reflected on his actions? Wasn’t the way I treated him supposed to hurt him so much that he would never see me again? Wasn’t I supposed to scare him away, like I had successfully done with everyone else?

The carriage continued to shake. There was a sense that something was catching up behind us, and fast. I held on tightly to the children, and it was a good thing I did, since the carriage had braked all of a sudden. The centrifugal force would have sent us flying out the carriage if it weren’t for my reflexive maneuvers to have our impact land against the carriage’s blankets. 

Whatever the danger was, it was right behind us. Puck had sent me his warning, and I immediately shielded myself in front of the children and started to gather my mana. The carriage’s back curtain suddenly opened, and in stepped a figure, breathing raggedly, with an expression of utmost urgency. I knew who this person was. My lips, without thinking, called out his name.

”—Subaru.”

I called out his name, more to myself in confirmation than towards him.

Now wasn’t the time to talk. He had one of Julius’s spirits with him, the red one named Ia, who was floating in place above one of the floor boards of the carriage. Subaru asked Puck, who had now materialized, to freeze the wooden plank for him. As soon as it was frozen and the weight of the ice gave in to break the wood, Subaru struck his right hand into the planking and pulled out a bag made of mabeast hide. The cloth bag was glowing red, as if touching it had set off a countdown sequence. I realized what they were. They were red magic crystals, the ones that were often used to cook things with and to start fires. I had heard these carriages were being borrowed by a group of traveling merchants. It made sense to carry these kinds of things. There sure were a bunch of them in one tiny carriage though. Who had placed them there, and hidden beneath the flooring, of all places? There wasn’t time to question it. There was an immediate sense of danger. I watched, dumbstruck, as Subaru and Puck discussed what to do about it. The whole highway was about to be a sea of flame. 

“—That’s...it.”

The expression on Subaru’s cut-up, dirtied face looked like he had been able to think up a good solution. The next thing I knew, he leaped right out of the carriage, bag in hand, without a moment to waste. 

“Wait!”

I found myself calling out to him. I felt stupid.

Yet, even though he was in such a hurry and hadn’t even looked me in the eyes yet, he heard my words and stopped. He halted his movement for just a moment, turned around, and looked at me. He stared straight at me.

Those were the eyes I was all too familiar with. Warm, brown eyes, shining in the sun. I found myself staring at him, my own eyes wavering, my lips quivering. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to express.

”Subaru, why?”

Stupid, stupid. That was all that came from my mouth. He had already heard that question. I had already asked that question way too many times, and yet, that was all I could say?

”Why?”

Why did he come back, why was this happening, why was he in the carriage, why hadn’t he changed? Why did I get the sense that the thing he was running off to do was going to be absolutely, frustratingly, self-sacrificing and reckless? Why go through all of that?

He took a short breath, his body appearing so utterly, painstakingly exhausted. Yet the next words he spoke made his eyes gleam with such life, such vitality, such meaning and hope.

”—I love you, Emilia.”

That is what he said, and then promptly jumped onto the back of a black ground dragon, running far into the distance of the fields. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

This whole time, I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t looked outside the carriage once. Watching the boy’s back retreat farther and farther away from me, finally staring out the curtain, it suddenly occurred to me that there should have been a big landmark on this path to the capital. This was the famous Liphas Highway, the one where the legendary Great Tree of Flugel stood. I had read about it in my studies. I had seen the landmark on Lugunica’s maps many times. 

My eyes continued to stare at Subaru’s retreating figure, utterly lost, dumbfounded, frozen in place. Where was he running to? What crazy idea spurred him to dash forward with such haste?

It was then that I saw it. Up ahead, my eyes could just barely make out the silhouette of an incredible tree trunk, snapped at its base and lying on its side. Lying underneath that collapsed tree was a large, frozen, headless carcass of...a white whale??

What on Earth—? The White Whale??

Shock and confusion kept my body stiff, and the questions in my head kept piling on. I had soooo many questions. If I could see Subaru again, what would I even ask him first? 

“Lia, what are you going to do?”

Puck’s words broke off my storm of thoughts. I heard the children yelling “Subaru is!—“ “He’s gonna throw the stones into the tree!” “Big Sis! Big Bro is—!”

I was able to snap out of it, and the next thing I knew, the children had willingly released me from their collective grip. My feet pushed down into the carriage’s floor boards with ease, making a mad dash out towards the fields. I had to keep leaping over dead bodies, corpses that wore dark cloaks that covered their heads. Who exactly was the enemy that Wilhelm had been clashing with this whole time behind us? More questions piled up. 

Way up ahead, where Subaru was, I saw a flash of red strike against the stark white carcass of the whale. It looked like the bag of reactive stones had been thrown into the dead whale’s gaping wound. Immediately after that, the sky flashed a blinding white, the ground rumbled, and the windy fields became void of sound. I could hear my own heart beating. 

I ran blindly through the smoke. I couldn’t see a thing, but I knew I needed to keep going straight. 

“Subaru!”

My eyes were stinging, burning. I clasped my right hand over my mouth so that the clouds of smoke would at least not invade my nostrils. I couldn’t stop, I needed to breathe through it and find someone. I needed to find someone, and I prayed that this someone was alive. Please, please. Stay alive.

”Subaru!”

I made it to the grand base of the snapped tree trunk. The smoke plumes began to dissipate, and at last I could see a black land dragon curled up against the base, shielding a boy’s body. Both were so badly burned, I feared I was too late.

”Subaru!”

I fell to my knees, reaching my hands out to touch him. The black dragon had been licking his face profusely, yet he wasn’t moving at all. My heart clenched terribly, dreading this terrible feeling that traveled to the pit of my stomach. The land dragon moved her seared body so that I could see him more clearly, though her body language seemed to convey that she didn’t want me touching him. Ah, this creature reeeeaally cared for him. 

He was alive. His chest gently rose and fell, signifying the signs of exhausted sleep. His eyes were fluttered closed, his face was relaxed. Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness. I flung my arms over his chest, incredibly relieved, and began work on healing both the land dragon and Subaru as much as I could while he slept. I seriously couldn’t get over how relieved I felt, how all the overwhelming, chaotic thoughts simply came to a hault as I stared at his face. Without thinking, I gently lifted his head and rested it in my lap.

Little by little, backup members of the expedition team had made its way to Crusch’s manor in the capital, reporting to me through a conversation mirror that I had found in Subaru’s pockets. I was able to talk to a merchant named Otto, Wilhelm-san, Ferris, and lastly, Julius. Needless to say, I was surprised. They were able to catch me up with all the details I had missed. For one, it was true that Subaru had led the expedition to subjugate the White Whale, with the help of both Crusch and Anastasia’s faction. Subaru was also the one working behind the scenes with Ram and the villagers to get everyone out.

The things Subaru had done...he was pushing himself so much. He worked reeeaally hard; it was apparent just by the look on his exhausted face. I couldn’t even imagine all the stress he must have been under. I gently combed my fingers through his black hair as he slept, its prickly sensation tickling against my lap. Mulling over just what questions I should ask him first, in addition to traversing through thoughts of insecurity, weakness, and self-doubt, I hadn’t even paid attention to the passage of time as I waited with him in the fields. The breeze was quite enjoyable, the air was tranquil. The ground dragon and the injured soldiers had already left the fields long ago. We were supposed to be meeting at Crusch’s property in the capital next, with everyone else. Of course I was going to wait for Subaru. 

When he awoke, we caught up first, making sure the other truly was safe before anything else. Of course he would ask about everyone else first before bringing up himself. Geez. He had to make sure that his land dragon was safe, followed by the villagers. Didn’t he understand that he had just woken up after sustaining some seriously bad burns and cuts to his skin? Honestly, they looked super painful. Why was this boy always taking such high risks like that? To be honest, his reckless behavior had been bothering me for awhile now. But I had to put this on the back burner. After all, there was something we both needed to get cleared right away. Subaru gently lifted himself up from my lap and sat himself in front of me so that we could face each other. He was the first one to speak, as I willed myself to listen to whatever he had to say.

”That day, you asked me why. Why did I come save you? Why did I try so hard for you with this and that? Why, you said.”

I nodded my head and stared back at him. “Yeah, I asked that. And also, why you claimed I had saved you...I never did anything like that. I haven’t at all. It’s been only you saving me...I haven’t given you anything. And in spite of that, you get so hurt for my sake...”

”Nah, back then I was all messed up...At the time, I was thinking only about me. I accept that. I was saying it was for your sake, but I was just drunk with the idea of ‘I’m doing this for you.’ I put into my own head that if I acted drunk on that, you’d accept me.”

I’d...accept him? Wasn’t that kind of backwards? Someone like me, accepting others...

”Subaru...”

”Sorry, I was using you, and drowning in my own joy. Everything you said back then was true. I was wrong...but I wasn’t wrong about everything.”

Subaru’s apology had finally been spoken, and I was relieved to hear it. At first, I was worried he hadn’t changed at all, but it seemed he really had been reflecting. I was grateful for that. Though what was he not wrong about? I felt a squeezing sensation in my chest, preparing myself for whatever he was about to say. 

“I want to help you. I want to be there for you. That’s serious, that’s true, not a lie.”

”...Yeah, I know.”

Subaru liked to help people. He wanted to help everyone, even if he barely knew the person, like myself. He had been that way since I met him. It was in his nature, I guess. Perhaps we were both similar in that way, looking for the good in people though we had both been judged by those same people. Him, for his poor actions in the capital. Me, for my appearance, ever since I was born. So the question was, ultimately, why me? Why help me, specifically, as a person who could cause him nothing but pain, as a person who hadn’t done anything as heroic as saving him? I had to know. I had to ask. 

”—Subaru, why do you help me?”

I searched his brown eyes, hoping that he would be honest this time. Tell me the truth. I kept a hand clasped over my chest in worry, though his answer was spoken so simply, so plainly.

”I want to be there for you, because I love you, Emilia.”

”—“

Ah, right. He had told me that earlier. Of course I didn’t forget. Those words were part of the chaotic thoughts I had been mulling over as I waited for him to awake, after all. To be loved...I didn’t know much about it, but I knew Puck loved me. He had gotten that into my head soooo many times. To love someone, I didn’t know much about that either, but I knew I loved Puck, and I loved spending time with the villagers and the people who lived in the mansion.

To love someone like me...was that even possible? I had to voice this concern.

”I...I’m...a half-elf...”

”I know that.”

Did he have to say that so simply? I shook my head profusely, wanting him to understand just how big of a problem this was.

”I’m a half-elf, with silver hair...I’m hated by all kinds of people because I look like the Witch, they hate me. They truly, truly hate me.”

”I’ve realized. I know. And those guys are blind.”

”I have almost no experience interacting with people, and I don’t have any friends. I have no common sense, and I’m ignorant of how the world works. That’s why I say weird things from time to time...and because of my pact with Puck, my hairstyle practically changes on a daily basis, and my reason for wanting to be queen is...really, reeeaally selfish.”

I hadn’t even mentioned that part of myself yet. My motives. My fears. He would hate me.

I had to make him realize what a terrible person I was. I was weak, I had so many faults. Subaru shook his head at me.

”Emilia, whatever anyone says to you, whatever you think of yourself, I love you. I really love you. I super love you. I want to be together with you, always. I want to hold your hand, forever.”

”Ah...”

The words he had been saying, they were so simple. He wanted to hold my hand? He wanted to stay by my side? Yet, he meant those words with such honesty. His eyes were so clear, staring into mine. He wouldn’t let me escape. 

”If you tell me ten things you hate about yourself, I’ll tell you twelve that I love about you...That’s the special way I want to treat you.”

Hot. My eyes were hot again, and I couldn’t see. Tears were welling up. This time, I couldn’t hold it in. I didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore like I could in front of the children earlier. Weak. I blinked, and the tears escaped, rolling down my cheeks. 

”This is the first time since I was born that I’ve been so happy to be treated as special.”

I was crying. I was happy. I was overwhelmed. I was trying to grasp these emotions, this sense of honest, pure joy that I had never experienced before. Subaru reached his hand out to my cheek, his fingers gently suppressing the flow of tears. Warm. His hand was so warm. I wanted to feel more of that warmth, placing my hand over his. 

”Why...twelve?”

”Because one hundred percent ain’t enough to express how I feel.”

Subaru laughed, flashing a big grin at me. Seriously, this child. I could only respond with a tearful smile, rubbing my cheek against his warm hand. 

”I’m so happy. Reeeally happy. I never once thought the day would come that someone would tell me they loved me.”

Being hated and rejected all these years, and yet being spoiled with words of love like this. I didn’t deserve this kind of happiness.

”Is this really fine? For me...for someone like me to be this happy, to have such happy feelings, it feels like an indulgence...”

Subaru continued to smile at me in that silly way of his. Geez.

”It’s absolutely fine. Let’s indulge ourselves. No matter how happy you are, it doesn’t bother anyone else, and you can always give some of the excess to other people. You can take it slow, Emilia. Slow, gentle, take your time falling in love with me. After all, I’ll be walking right by your side, doing my best to make you weak in the knees.”

”—!”

I didn’t know how to feel about his last response, but it made me feel all red. Please, stop this feeling. I was blushing, wasn’t I? How unbecoming. I probably looked ugly right now, crying like this. Anyway, I needed to thank him for real this time. Even more so than ever before. Placing a hand to my chest, I put on an earnest smile.

”Thank you, Subaru. For helping me.”

We exchanged smiles as the breeze from the fields caressed our faces, drying the rest of my tears. Or so I thought, but I kept crying and laughing. It was okay, he was laughing with me. Subaru changed his position in the grass from sitting in front of me to sitting by my side. He reached his hand out to comb through my hair as I continued to shed tears. For just a little while more, I selfishly allowed myself to feel this happiness before it was time to get back on our feet and meet up with everyone else.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Arriving at Crusch’s manor, we had much to discuss. The alliance, the truth of the real culprit behind the mansion evacuation, the aftermath...The air was really heavy.

Crusch-san was like a different person. Having lost her memory, she was so gentle. I wanted to be her friend and had to be careful with my words and actions. I had to make a good first impression. She didn’t want anyone to go easy on her, though. She was so strong. 

Subaru was trying his best to act strong too, though I was afraid to ask. During the carriage ride to the capital, I had ended up telling him something really, really hurtful without knowing. He started talking about a person I never knew, and it scared me. I didn’t know a girl named Rem. Rem. Even the name didn’t feel familiar on my tongue. I couldn’t help it. No one knew her. The initial look of shock on Subaru’s face was terrible. I felt awful. How could my words cause him to have such a pained expression? I thought I wasn’t going to hurt him anymore?

Subaru was putting on a tough act. I should have seen it. It was just like the time back at Roswaal’s mansion when he was overwhelmed with his butler duties. He tried to act like nothing was wrong at that time, too. I didn’t know what I could do for him, other than provide him with some kind of comfort as he cried. I didn’t know what to do. But I knew it hurt me, seeing him like that.

Crusch was kind enough to allow us to stay the night before our trip back to Roswaal’s domain the next day. We needed to head to the Sanctuary too, to meet up with the other villagers. The sleeping girl named Rem was provided with her own guest room, and Subaru had wanted to stay by her bedside for awhile, even knowing she wouldn’t wake. Subaru claimed he was the only person who knew who this girl was, and she was reeeeaally important to him. I understood that much. He knew her, and he cared for her. That could be the only reason he looked so hurt. It felt kind of imposing for me to be in the same room as her. Uncourteous. I didn’t know how to act or what to say in front of this Rem-san. Anything I would say to her in front of Subaru would just hurt him more. 

It was late in the evening, and I couldn’t take it anymore to leave Subaru alone. It was getting close to blue time; most of the guests and Arlam refugees were already going to bed. I had taken a quick shower to refresh myself, and then quietly made my way first to Subaru’s guest room to see if he had already retired there for the night. Having peeked in and seen that he wasn’t in his guest room, the next course of action would be to find Rem-san’s room. Maybe he had fallen asleep by her bedside. That seemed the kind of thing he might do. 

The door to Rem-san’s guest room was closed. I turned the handle and carefully peeked in. The blue-haired girl was still there, lying still in bed, unchanging. Subaru was there too, lying stomach-down on the bed next to her. It was kind of a weird position. I let myself in to look closer.

I saw a knife on the floor. 

Blood.

My eyes were hyper-focused on it, on the bloodied knife. It was the kind of short dagger knife used to feel fruits, like the basket of appas standing on the nightstand table by the bed. 

The bedsheets were stained red in the area of fabric right underneath Subaru’s neck. Subaru’s lifeless neck. The cut was so crude, so deep into his throat. Pieces of muscle tissue, fragments of the trachea, were dangling out. 

His eyes were open. Wide-open, unmoving. Vacant. There was no light behind those eyes. Just the leftover remnants of shock and pain etched across his pale, pale face.

This person looked nothing like the boy who was just smiling at me hours before. The boy who caressed my hair, dried my tears, told me he wanted to always hold my hand and stay by my side. 

Empty promises.

”—baru.”

My voice was thin, sound wouldn’t come out. It was like my own throat had a dagger stuck in it. 

“Subaru.”

I willed my coarse voice to say his name. No, no, no. I reached out my shaking arms to his unmoving shoulders, moving him into a better position within my embrace. 

“Liar...Liar....Liar, liar, liar!”

I was crumpling over him, my voice was shrill. Tears invaded my eyes. Enough, enough. Subaru, you’re making me cry again. 

”Liar, liarliarliarliarliarliarliarliarliarliarliar!!”

Stupid, stupid. He was so stupid. I was so stupid.

”Liar, liar! Subaru...you liar! You liar—!”

I was screaming. My throat hurt so much, I hated this so much, I—

“Emilia-sama! This is—“

I was too shocked to try to decipher within my own dumb thoughts whose voice this was.

”Subaruu...Subaruuuu....You liar. You said we’d be together...”

”What has happ—No, Emilia-sama, forgive me!”

Ah, it was Wilhelm-san. He peeled me away from my clutch on Subaru. With nothing else to grip onto, I wobbled onto the wooden floor in a stupor. 

“Ferris! Felix! Come quickly! It is urgent! Utmost urgency!”

I wasn’t paying attention after that. I was vaguely aware that Wilhelm-san had tried to cover the wound with his suit jacket and pump his chest. Ferris probably sealed up the scar, though everyone in this room knew the soul was long gone from the shell of Subaru’s body. Just an empty husk. Even I knew that. I stared at nothing as I tucked in my knees and wrapped my arms around myself. Weak. Stupid. I couldn’t move. 

My mind was off somewhere else, somewhere happier, where a silly black-haired boy had told me he would always walk by my side. Smiling, laughing, reaching out to hold my hand, to pet my hair. He said he wanted to make me weak in the knees, but he probably didn’t mean it literally, in this way. It was cruel. 

“—Even though you told me...”

My cheeks were so wet. I didn’t even know I had this much body fluid within these tear ducks of mine. They wouldn’t stop. How do I make it stop? 

“Even though you told me that you love me...!”

Liar.

You know, I would have believed you. 

Liar.

Having experienced what warmth felt like, both from holding Petra’s hand earlier and then Subaru’s hand against my cheek, I only now truly understood what the cold felt like compared to warmth. Being contracted with Puck this whole time, I was always used to his temperature-based magic. Living in Elior Forest never bothered me. The touch of the ice people never bothered me.

But now, it did—the cold. I felt it inside me. My heart felt like a cube of ice, like it was going to crack any moment. Delicate. An abundance of tiny, insurmountable cracks, until eventually, the whole thing collapsed on itself. 

If only...I could save the ice from cracking somehow. Was that possible? Maybe Puck could do it. Maybe Puck could freeze over the cracks, good as new. And then I could get up, move my knees, and keep running towards my goal. 

Liar.

They were already taking away his corpse. Yet, I still couldn’t get up to go see him off, to follow wherever they were moving his body to. Would we bury him here, or at the mansion, or maybe by the Great Tree? Or I could ask Puck to burn him to ashes. 

There were no answers ahead. There was no warmth or light or color ahead. 

I would freeze over the cracks myself if I had to, so that lies would never hurt me again.

Liar.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※


	7. Kiss of Death (Arc 4, Death 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru gets eaten by The Great Hare and manages to escape back to the tomb to die in Emilia's arms (Arc 4, Death 5)  
> References to light novel volume 9-12, basically. Mostly volume 12.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of this little fic series, so no I won’t be covering the later arcs. I wanted to stay consistent with the light novel, since the web novel is slightly different. 
> 
> I want to say a big THANK YOUUU to everyone who has read, commented, and given kudos to this fic. Somehow, this made it to over 200 kudos. I will definitely continue to write for this fandom, though I gotta say angst is not my forte lol, so this whole fic has been quite challenging for me. XD (any critiques you want to advise me on are welcome lol!) 
> 
> So I hope you enjoyed it, and here at last is the final chapter!

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Before arriving at Crusch’s manor in the capital after fleeing from Arlam Village, there was so much that happened. Subaru had returned after leading the subjugation of the White Whale, cooperated with Julius to fight off against an archbishop of the Witch Cult (it was finally revealed to me that the threat being the Bandit King was a lie), and then properly disposed of a large mass of fire stones threatening to leave the carriages and refugees in a sea of flames. Again, Subaru had saved lives. He saved the villagers, the soldiers on the expedition team, the children, and even myself, who didn’t have the right to be saved.

No one had ever risked their life to help me, nor for as often as Subaru did. And then, he told me that the reason he did all these crazy things to help me was because he loved me. He told me he loved me. Me, an atrocious half-elf who could never be loved. Puck had been the only exception to that rule. Always and forever. 

Being told I was loved, that someone wanted to stay by my side—those words made me feel so foolishly, earnestly happy. Like I was being spoiled, like I didn’t deserve those words. I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve him, to stay with him, since all I did was cause him trouble and hurt him time and time again. Subaru told me it was alright for me to be this happy, and assured me I didn’t have to give him a reply to his words any time soon. We were able to spend a little bit of time in peace, and even the carriage ride back to the capital was mostly pleasant with the village children.

The one drawback to that pleasant journey was that I had messed up again. Subaru had mentioned a person named Rem, and I replied that I had never heard of this person before. Petra, who was awake on the carriage with us, said she didn’t know Rem either. The expression on Subaru’s face was just awful. Terrible, painful. Stupid. I was stupid. I could tell this Rem-san had meant so much to him just by his reaction to our words.

When I finally got to meet her once we arrived at Crusch’s property, I was at a loss for words. Rem-san was a blue-haired oni; she was the splitting image of Ram. Rem and Ram were twin sisters, both working as maids for Roswaal. Her lack of existence in my memory was due to the same thing that caused Crusch-san’s memory loss: another archbishop of the Witch Cult. Ferris had the same pained expression as Subaru; their complexions were so pale, and the dullness in their eyes spoke of an immense emptiness, yet it wasn’t like them to give up. They both chose to hide their feelings behind their smiles. All I could do was comfort Subaru in my own way when he was ready to let it out.

He wanted to cry. He wanted me to turn away from him so that I wouldn’t watch him cry. I honored his wishes at first, but a larger part of me wanted to reassure Subaru that he wasn’t alone, just like he had reassured me that I wasn’t alone. So I wrapped my arms around his shoulders from behind him, and gently stroked the top of his head as he cried. His shoulders were trembling, and my arms could feel the warmth of his tears rolling down his cheeks. He squeezed my arms in return, in acknowledgement of my embrace, and swore to the girl that he would bring her back. With such emotion and conviction behind that shaking voice, I had no doubts that he could help her. His words to her sounded like a promise, a promise he very much intended to keep this time.

I wanted him to keep this promise with her too. After all, this was all my fault, wasn’t it? This all happened because of witch cultists. To learn that there was a group of people who devoted their lives to hurt me, to seek me, and that Puck and Subaru had intentionally not told me about this group of evil people before...I was both angry at everyone for not telling me this, but even more so I was angry at myself, for being weak, helpless, and allowing these cultists to do such terrible things to others. So internally, I made a promise to Rem, too. I would do anything in my power to help Subaru and this sleeping girl named Rem. More than anything, I didn’t want others to be hurt because of me.

On the ride back to Arlam Village and the Roswaal mansion, Subaru told me all about Rem. What she was like, how kind she was. The entire trip, which lasted several hours, went by in the blink of any eye because of Subaru’s stories. Accompanying us were only the sounds of the land dragon’s steps, Otto’s occasional check-ins from the driver’s seat, Rem’s quiet breathing, and Subaru’s voice. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

We were able to safely drop off our half of the villager refugees back to Arlam, but were shocked that Roswaal and Ram’s half of the refugees weren’t back yet. We were told that they had led the other half of people to a place called Sanctuary. I had no idea where this place was, and neither did Subaru. All I knew about the place was that it was an area where demi-humans lived and that Roswaal had once told me that ‘it would be necessary for me to go there one day’...So why was everyone still there? Did they not receive the message that it was safe to return back? 

Subaru wanted to get back to Roswaal’s mansion to see if he could talk to Beatrice about the Sanctuary. Greeting us at the front doors was Frederica, a maid I was familiar with from when I first started living here. She was as proper and graceful as ever, promptly leading Subaru to an available guest room to set down the sleeping Rem. Judging by their expressions when they came back to the tea room to discuss business, it looked like Frederica had teased Subaru back from his earlier remark about her teeth. They looked like they were getting along just fine. I smiled as I sipped my tea and motioned over Otto-san to sit at the sofa with me. With that, Subaru excused himself to seek out Beatrice, leaving us to our own devices as we waited.

I had no doubt that Subaru would be able to talk to the spirit, but I had a feeling she probably wouldn’t answer all his questions. She was super stubborn after all, just like Subaru. So while he played around with her, Frederica asked Otto-san and I to summarize everything that happened. I got to listen to Otto-san’s side of the story, which only reaffirmed my opinion of Subaru. Through and through, Subaru was a devious child who could be trusted in the most dire moments. Really, he was always putting himself before others. Geez. Just talking about him, I could feel that fluttery feeling again. The two smiled and nodded as I told them my own viewpoint of the situation, wanting to confirm with them that Subaru was a good person. 

I should have known Frederica was going to tease me about it once Subaru returned from his playtime with Beatrice. She was blowing everything out or proportion, and then Otto-san joined in, too. I felt my cheeks and ears burning red, waving my arms around trying to dispel the embarrassment. Now that Subaru had heard that I had talked good things about him, I couldn’t look at his face for the next few minutes. 

As expected, Subaru didn’t get any useful information out of Beatrice, but we did learn that Frederica knew where the Sanctuary was. She was even willing to tell us how to get there, though she would not be able to travel with us herself. So she gave Otto-san the directions to the Lost Forest of Cremaldy, and requested that we wait two days to travel there since that much time was needed to undo the barrier. 

I had a big favor that I needed to ask Subaru. Unlike last time, I wasn’t going to command him to stay at the mansion and be left behind. Rather, this time, it was the opposite. Subaru seemed to be expecting the same, as he was already trying to convince me to let him go with me as soon as I told him I had a favor for him. I felt awful, seeing that he was already rushing to that conclusion, thinking I was going to hurt him and leave him alone again. 

“Of course I’m not leaving you here. Come with me.”

Subaru looked really taken aback by that. I lifted my hand to rest over my heart, fingers absentmindedly tinkering with the crystal at my chest. Puck’s crystal. I hadn’t been able to hear from him for a few days now. Ever since we had arrived at Crusch’s manor in the capital. 

“I told you, come with me. I’d be worried sick on my own.”

Again, I felt awful, but the next words just tumbled out of my mouth, and I hated feeling this way. Weak. I was constantly counting on others to help me. And now, without Puck, I...

”Subaru, I’m...relying on you. Subaru, I...need your strength.”

My eyes were wavering, searching Subaru’s expression as he remained quiet for a moment. Nervously, I stroked a lock of my hair, breaking the silence to ask if I said something strange. He shook his head.

”...My motivational switch is all yours, Emilia-tan. Whether you’re flipping it on or flipping it off, one word from you and everything’s on auto. I seriously can’t get enough of you.”

He covered his face with his palms and let out a deep sigh after saying such a thing. I wished he wouldn’t talk like that. Saying words like that, speaking of devotion, recalling the way he told me he loved me...Seriously, if I kept relying on Subaru’s kindness like this, what would be left for me to do? I knew that I couldn’t keep on relying on his strength forever, but here I was, selfishly holding onto something else. 

We headed out to the Sanctuary two days later, as planned. Frederica couldn’t tell us much about the place, other than to be wary of a person named Garfiel and that all our questions would be answered once we were there. Frederica handed me a blue crystal pendant right before we left. The necklace seemed like it was really important, and her act of lending it to me was like a way of saying that I was being entrusted with something that only I could do. Could I make use of this crystal? Was it alright to entrust something like that to me? I gripped it and placed it in the pockets of my robes, mustering up a new resolve.

The trip to the Sanctuary was a little chaotic towards the end, as the crystal reacted from my pockets and my world faded to black for a bit. When I awoke, a loud blonde-haired demi-human boy was talking with Subaru. My gut reaction upon hearing that aggressive voice was to get up and shield myself in front of Subaru, but it turned out that the person wasn’t being hostile towards us. This boy was Garfiel, the one Frederica told us about. It was clear to see that he must have been related to the maid. Come to think, I had never asked Frederica about her family when I was new to Roswaal’s mansion. I guess I had never really talked much with any of the maids, for that matter. I felt bad about that. 

We met up with Ram, who had led us to a small house where Roswaal was staying. The house belonged to someone named Ryuzu Bilma, who appeared to be a grandmother figure to Garfiel, despite her looks. I was certainly surprised to see another person with ears like mine, but there was something mysterious about her. But that was another matter. The issue here was the sight of the heavily-bandaged Roswaal, and we seeked answers from him about so many things.

Roswaal had told us more about the Sanctuary, that the tomb-like building across the way was a graveyard for the Witch of Greed, Echidna. The Mathers family had been taking care of this property of land for many, many years. I got the feeling there was a deeper connection than that, but Roswaal wouldn’t elaborate. He went on to say that the reason his body was so injured was because he had attempted to enter that tomb of the Witch, but his body had been rejected by the building. It was because he didn’t have mixed blood, and his vast containment of mana was fighting against him. The only people who could enter the tomb unscathed were demi-humans, people with mixed blood. 

When asked about why the people of Arlam hadn’t returned to the village yet, it was explained to us that we were all trapped here in the Sanctuary, that there was a barrier blocking the mixed-bloods from leaving the area. The only way to lift the barrier was to take a “trial” inside Echidna’s tomb, and to be qualified to take the trial, you had to be of mixed blood. So I was qualified, and in fact it seemed Garfiel and the others had determined that it had to be me to take the trials and liberate the people of the Sanctuary. It was a huuuuge task. I felt all those eyes, those expectations, placed upon me. While their gazes were heavy, at the same time, I felt something hot scorch into my soul. Determination, resilience, being depended on. A sense of passion and duty. This was it. This was my duty, my responsibility, my burden. No longer could I be weak, depend on others, and let everyone around me protect me. It was my turn to protect them. 

At night was when the tomb of Echidna would glow and allow those qualified to enter it for the trial. The atmosphere of the Sanctuary underwent a great change after sunset. The air was sort of ominous. I didn’t feel cold, but my spine tingled. I was nervous, I couldn’t help but to feel that way. After all, what did this trial even consist of? What was supposed to happen once I stepped through the corridor? I had a little chat with some minor spirits and relied on Subaru’s cheers to ease my worries. With that, I started walking towards the grand stone tomb building. A dazzling phosphorescent glow surrounded the tomb, its radiant light peeking through the cracks of stone. It looked really pretty. I couldn’t be hesitant. Without looking back, I climbed the set of stairs that led up to it and entered through the dark corridor. The deeper I walked into the building, I could feel my vision start to fade and was vaguely aware that my body was giving up its control. I think I fell over and landed on my side, but I couldn’t feel the outside world at that point.

Instead, what awaited me was too cruel for words.

I was seeing things. They felt so real, like I could reach out and touch the shadowy figures. They were pointing at me, ridiculing me. Like a nightmare. Anguish. Fear. Denial. What madness was this? It was pure torture. Don’t look at me like that. No, no, no. It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. You’ve got it wrong. I wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me...

I felt so alone. My teeth wanted to chatter, my body wanted to convulse and spasm. I wanted to awaken from this nightmare, but the shadow people forced me down and I couldn’t open my eyes or do anything. I kept seeing vaguely familiar people, like I had to have known them when I was little. But I couldn’t reach out to them, I couldn’t touch those memories. They didn’t exist. So I was stuck, frozen in this hellish place. The pressure against me was so intense, it was like I was choking. Like sleep paralysis. Please, someone, something...

”Emilia”

A hand touched my cheek. A cold, shaking hand. 

I blinked several times. Awake. I was awake, back in my body, away from that place, sprawled out along the stone floor of the tomb. 

“...Suba...ru...?”

I sat up, looking around me. Subaru was here. Like it was the most natural, normal thing. Ah. Gradually, my comprehension caught up to me. I was truly awake now. A tiny “ah” trickled out of my throat, as I recalled entering the tomb, and then...

“—Subaru.”

Subaru was staring back at me, his hand had awoken me, his arms were there to embrace me, and yet...

”Why do you have such a pained look on your face?”

The expression on his face conveyed the very thing I was just feeling inside that nightmare before Subaru rushed in here to save me. I knew that feeling, I understood that face. Gently, I reached out and stroked his cheek. There were tears welling up in his eyes, so I brushed a finger against the corner of his eye. He started to tremble as he cried, seemingly letting go of something that was eating away at him. He collapsed over onto the floor, crumbling into his emotions. Naturally, I reached out to console him, to embrace him. I let his head rest at my heart, so he could hear my heartbeat. Strangely, I had the feeling someone else had done that to me before to comfort me...

”It’s all right, It’s all right, Subaru. I’m here, I’m right here...”

How had Subaru managed to be in this tomb right now, anyway? I didn’t have time to question it. Something must have happened outside the tomb that worried him and made him rush in here to save me. Actually, I was thankful for that. He did save me by awakening me from that hell. Actually, I felt rather relieved, seeing Subaru like this. He was a normal human boy, after all. Of course things would scare him and worry him. Of course it was okay to be vulnerable and cry every once in a while, especially after helping me and saving me so many times. Maybe this meant he trusted me enough to show me this side of him. I was kind of happy about that. I felt like I had a purpose. I would raise my spirits and be strong for him.

”I’m so sorry, making you worry like that. It’s all right, its all right...”

I continued to console him, until he was calm enough to tell me what happened and was ready to walk on his feet. We walked out together, a dried trail of tears still marked across his cheeks. Much teasing ensued, of course, as we laughed about it all the way back to Ryuzu-san’s house. We had all chatted for a bit at the inn, and then eventually all excused ourselves to go to bed.

Seeing everyone off, I did try to lay down in the bed provided for me, but I just couldn’t sleep. I mean, it was understandable why I couldn’t. I didn’t want to close my eyes and see those things, those people. I just couldn’t shake it. I tossed and turned in bed, squeezing Puck’s crystal, thinking of how I could call to him. I really, reeeaally wanted to see him, talk to him, lean on him, tell him about my scary dream. I needed Puck, I needed Dad, but he just wouldn’t respond no matter what I did. So, as restless as I was, I snuck out from the inn to take a stroll. Maybe the gentle night time breeze could ease my nerves.

It turned out Subaru was up at this hour, too. So we walked and talked, teasing and laughing under the moon light. Selfishly, since Puck wasn’t here, I decided to voice some of my worries to Subaru. I had failed the trial, after all. I wasn’t able to do the thing that I needed to to. Yet, Subaru cheered me up and told me to try again tomorrow. To persevere, to keep trying. That was such a Subaru attitude to have. Geez. And the way those eyes of his softened when he looked gently at me like that, I couldn’t say no. He was right. I had to be strong and pass the trial. It didn’t make sense how Subaru could believe in me to such an extent, even knowing I had just failed, but I would shoulder this burden and carry on. Eventually, we walked back to the inn and the cathedral building, at last retiring back to get some rest for real this time.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

The next day, when I awoke, the sun was shining so brightly through the windows of my bedroom, like a ray of hope. It was a new day. Right, we were in the Sanctuary. I had a job to do. Subaru told me I could do it. If Puck were here, he would cheer me on too, purring and happily shouting with the gentle swishing of his long tail. In fact, I had little conversations with myself in my head, pretending I was talking to Puck through our Link. The voice I had of Puck in my head was slightly off, but that’s ok, it would work. I got up, changed out of my nightgown, and hummed along to myself as Ram entered my room to serve me some morning tea and some bread. 

I received word that Subaru was missing, along with Patrasche. Apparently, the last one to speak to Subaru was Otto-san when he returned back to the cathedral last night after our walk. This was odd. It wasn’t like Subaru to just leave in the middle of the night like that without leaving a reason. The conversation Otto-san had with Subaru last night when they went to bed didn’t seem to bring any clues, according to him. So why? Where did he go? What was he up to?

My head filled with doubts. I thought of the painful look on his face yesterday when he broke down crying in the tomb. Was there something he wasn’t telling me? Now that I thought about it, that expression on his face back then...he looked scared. Right, when I first woke up in the tomb, his hands were already shaking. That was a sign of fear. I knew that all too well. When people would yell at me and call me the Witch, their hands shook like that too. What if...what if, maybe, something happened and he finally realized he was afraid of me? Like everyone else did. Their initial reaction of me was to cower in fear and shout at me in disgust. Maybe Subaru finally had his breaking point? I couldn’t blame him. What would have set him off, though? Was I acting strangely in the tomb, before he woke me up? Did he...did he see the same nightmare that I was having?

{Lia, Lia, you may be on to something. I think you scared him. Bad Lia.}

The Puck voice in my head reasoned with me, nodding his little head. 

“Right. He left because of me...Right?”

My lips turned up into a small small, acknowledging the truth.

{Subaru—that child told you he loved you. I was listening to that, you know. The only one who loves you is me, in the end. Subaru doesn’t love you enough to stay by your side, like I do.}

”Dad, could you not phrase it like that? Geez. It’s not a competition. I already told you I love you, Dad. Though...I must admit I’m starting to get mad at you...”

{Eh heh, my daughter is in her rebellious stage? How awful! What will you do now, Lia?}

”Eh..”

Puck had a point. What was I going to do?

”Well...”

I fiddled with the hem of my dress, picking my nails into the stitching.

”First, I’ll...go talk to Roswaal. And then....”

{You already know what Roswaal is going to do, Lia. He’s going to tell you to take the trial again and liberate the Sanctuary. There is no way out of this.}

”...Right....”

{Once the barrier has been lifted, you can go out and search for that lost boy if you wish to. Just give it some thought. I’m with you either way.}

”Right. I’ll think about it.”

Liberate the Sanctuary. Take the Trial. Liberate the Sanctuary. Take the Trial. 

{Liberate the Sanctuary. Take the Trial.}

”Ha...ha...”

Without saying anything else, not aware of the people who were watching me, I made my way over from the inn to the tomb. I was impatient, I couldn’t just wait until nightfall to visit the tomb. What if I stayed there all day, could I get an early pass in to the trial? I would keep myself behind those stone walls all day. And then, and then, as soon as the sun could set, I could set off the trial again. So that’s what I did. I was practically ecstatic once the stones had turned their bluish hue. I made it. It was time. Trial, here I go. I’ll do this again.

My body collapsed. Back to the other place. It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. Shadows. Familiar voices. Hell. Weights pressing me down. Frozen in place. Can’t move. A blocked past that I couldn’t see through to the other side. They pointed at me, called me names. I would wake up on my own, brow drenched in a cold sweat, realizing I failed. And then I would collapse again, back into the nightmare. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

”Ha..ha..”

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

“Emilia.”

A voice called out to me. 

”—Subaru?”

“—Emilia.”

Oh! It’s really Subaru!!!

”Yes. That’s right, Subaru...It’s me. It’s me, Emilia.”

Subaru came back! Subaru came back! He was here to save me again! In the tomb with me, such bliss!

Once he walked up closer to me, he fell into my arms. I caught him, hugging him tightly into my arms. I was so happy, I wanted to hold on to him and never let him go. I think he said something to me, some kind of excuse. I wasn’t paying attention.

{Lia, he came back! You’ve had time to think it over now, right?}

I nodded to myself, squeezing Subaru closer to me. So, I began to speak.

”—I was lonely.”

”...Eh?”

”I was lonely, Subaru. —I mean, you left me and went off somewhere.”

”Tha-you’re wrong. I didn’t mean to just leave you like that...The letter...that’s right. I wrote a letter. I wrote everything on it, that’s why. I really meant to tell you everything, but...”

”Tee-hee.”

Oh, Subaru. 

”Even without working that hard to make an excuse, I won’t get upset. Oh, Subaru, you don’t need to be so pale. You really are just careless.”

”E...milia?”

”Its fine. Its all right. No excuses needed. I mean, you came back, Subaru. I always believed you would. I said, Subaru will come for me. If I work hard and properly fulfill my own duty, he’ll come and save me...That’s always, always how its been. Right?”

There was a short pause. We were so close, I could feel his breaths tickle my nose. 

”C-Come to think of it, I heard you’ve been here since yesterday...”

Yesterday? Has a whole day passed already? I wouldn’t know; I’ve been behind these stone walls this whole time. There weren’t any time stones in here...

”Emilia...?”

{Lia, tell him.}

Right. I’ve thought about things. Without thinking of much else, I went up on my tip toes and reached a hand into Subaru’s hair. My fingers played with his bangs. Parts of it were wet, but it had the same prickly texture as always. 

”Oh, Subaru, you stroke my hair once in awhile, don’t you? —So I should return the favor.”

Pet, pet. His short hair was fun to play with. It was relaxing.

”————“

{Lia, be honest. Be a good girl}

”To tell you the truth, I was reeeaally scared. I was scared Subaru didn’t love me to the bottom of his heart, that he’d come to hate me. So I was scared, came here, but it didn’t work out after all...That’s why I’m truly, truly happy that you came, Subaru.”

I smiled at him, continuing to stare at him adoringly.

”Stay with me forever? As long as you’re with me, I don’t need anything else—“

Is this how love felt? My body and soul ached for him. My heart was beating so fast. My stomach was all fluttery. Just the thought of leaving him alone caused me so much unbearable pain. 

”At first, I was reeeaally scared, you see. It was reeeaally hard. I mean, I wasn’t able to do anything right at all, and I thought, Subaru’s going to get fed up with me like this.”

Puck was nodding along, in my imaginations.

”But I thought right after, this is no good. I can’t just be soft, shake in fear and let someone else take care of everything...This was reeeaally stupid of me too, huh? I mean, I finally realized that you’ve always been taking care of everything, Subaru.”

”I remembered your words, Subaru. They’re come up over and over till now. You’ve been telling me them ever since the first time we met. You’ve been giving me courage, urging me onward, supporting me...I remember that you’ve said you love me...”

”I finally realized that you’re always come through for me in reeeaally big ways. But in spite of that, you not being here made me worried. I felt like it would crush me...”

Again and again and again and again and again.

”That’s why when I saw Subaru coming to me now, I felt my chest squeezing. It got hot, too hot to endure, I thought ‘This might be a dream’ but no, its not...I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I want to say anymore. Er, erm, I want to say this properly, so...”

{Calm down, Lia.}

”I’m sorry for everything up to now, Subaru. I did a horrible thing to you. It has to be really something to have someone always thinking of you like this...I’m so self-serving. Even though I thought I want to understand Subaru more, I don’t understand you at all.”

{Mm, it is quite self-serving. How selfish.}

”But its different now. I’ve been thinking about you all this time, Subaru. I’ve been feeling all these things. Now I want to say all the things to you that you’ve been saying to me...Mm, I’m so sorry. This is reeeally unfair of me. I—I need to properly say these things.”

“Need to properly...mm, properly convey them.”

I grabbed a hold of my chest, trying to slow down the beating. Thump thump, thump thump. Again and again and again and again and again. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

”Hey, Subaru. I love you. I really love you. When I think about you, when I think only of you, I want to be with you forever. That’s what I think.”

”I’d be happy if...you think about me the same way, Subaru...”

”Eh heh heh. Yeah, yeah. I love you, Subaru. I really love you.”

I smiled up at him, at the boy I loved. Surely, surely, we could...

Subaru fell silent after my confession, but he continued to stay in my arms, which made me happy. Actually, I was so content, that I actually sort of...could fall asleep right here. This felt good. 

I had fallen asleep. I didn’t even realize I was exhausted. From what, the trials? But all I did was fail; what was there to be so tired about? When I woke up, Subaru’s black and orange jacket was draped over me like a blanket. 

Speaking of, where was he? He wasn’t—

I heard foot steps approaching from close by. I immediately got up from the floor to greet him. Surely it had to be—

”—Subaru?”

The black haired boy came back again to spend time with me! 

”Subaru, it really is you! Thank goodness, where have you been? I was worried!”

Heh heh, he looked like a lost puppy or something! I smiled at him.

”...Are you tired, by any chance?”

”Yeah...I might just be a little tired...”

”Tee-hee, is that so? Well, in that case...”

On the spot, I tucked in my knees and sat on the stone floor again. I patted my lap, motioning him to sit on the floor with me and lay his head down.

”...A...lap-pillow, huh?”

”Yes. Subaru, you just love my lap pillow, don’t you? You’ve told me as much. I remember.”

How many times had I lent him my lap?

”I am happy to indulge Subaru like this, but you know, spoiled children get their hair teased...”

He rested his head in my lap like a good boy. The tension in his shoulders eased up as they pressed into my thighs. I combed my fingers though his hair, twisting his bangs into little twirls.

”Subaru, are you sleepy?”

”Just a...a tiny bit, yeah. Ahhh, its all right, its all right...I can do this, I can do this...”

”Really? You’re not forcing yourself? I mean, Subaru, you always do reckless things for someone else’s sake....I mean, even Subaru understands that about Subaru, but it reeeaally makes me worry.”

”I’m...all...right...”

”I’m a little conflicted about it. I want Subaru to do reckless things just for me...but I don’t want to see Subaru pretending not to see other people...Sorry, I’m very selfish, huh?”

”Hey, Subaru. Are you listening? There’s so, so, sooooo much that I want to talk to you about. So please let me be by your side. Listen to my voice. Let me speak, ‘Kay?”

I continued to play with his hair, unaware of everything. This was a world with just him and me. Ah, this was love, right? Being in our own little world. I didn’t care at all about anything else. Just Subaru. Just let me stay by his side.

”—“

Subaru was silent, so I leaned my face in closer to his. I smiled as I gazed at his face. Huh, what’s this? Subaru must be so tired that he fell asleep with his eyes open! Poor boy, he must have been soooo exhausted!

I smiled and leaned in even closer, closed my eyes, and gently pressed my lips onto his. Subaru's lips were rough and chapped. It was quite a ticklish feeling. The touch of his lips made me feel so giggly and bubbly. I chuckled as I released the pressure from our mouths.

When I opened my eyes, perhaps not even an inch away from his face, I stared into his open, blank eyes. I wanted my eyes to never let him go, to make sure he wouldn’t escape from my sight.

I let out a light sigh as I stroked his hair, content with just watching him sleep. Geez, he was so defenseless like this, huh? I rubbed my thumb along his still cheeks, letting my fingers explore his face. My index fingers traced a line down the bridge of his nose to his Cupid’s bow to his slightly parted lips. I poked his chin, tapped my pinky along his jawline, followed along the contours of his neck. In previous lap pillows, he would twitch a little if I poked him like that. He was a heavy sleeper now, huh? Not like I wanted to awake him; he was always busying himself and could never keep still for long. This was reeeeaally nice. 

  
So, this was love? And that was a kiss. My cheeks grew red in the realization of what I just did. Oh no. I was so giddy. I wanted to giggle and kiss him again. So I did.  
  


”Ha...ha...”

As I learned in forward to kiss him again, I heard a light pattering of steps along the stone floor. The sounds of the steps were so light, it was as if they came from a padded foot. Like what Puck had. Soft, pink, padded feet.

Hopping over to my lap, a group of small, white bunnies had entered the tomb.

”Ah...bunny?”

It stared at me with his blank red eyes. The one closest to me opened its mouth.

“Ha, ha..how cute—“

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

{Ah, its really too late.}


End file.
